Transition

I don't really feel so depressed anymore. I am just confused. Everything in my life right now is in a transitional phase. My marriage, my living arrangements, my job, my mental health are all in transition. Most of these transitions require a major decision to be made. I am not good with decisions, not at all. As my mental health improves, I've got to decide where do I want to live? Is it a good school district for the kids? Is it close enough to work? Where will I work? Will Joe be in the picture? How do I deal with Joe?

That is the toughest question, how DO I deal with Joe? As much as I'd love to reconcile with him. He remains angry and bitter, and always tries to rationalize his past mistakes. I'd say 75% of the time I am around him, I feel anxious and frustrated. Many times I feel suicidal after discussions with him. He refuses to see a doctor to get back on his medication, so he's angry quite a bit. Even if I decide to stay separated from him, how do I deal with him? Do I welcome him in my home, or keep him away? I just can't figure it out, and I know I frustrate him with my indecision.

Don't practice on me!

You know, there is a good reason medical doctors call what they do their practice. For an example of this, I'll go over the list of psychotropics I have been on in the past year or so.

First, when Christina was hospitalized, her therapist told me that it was clear from my behaviour that I was suffering from depression. At that point, yes I felt a bit depressed, but figured it was from the moves and the bad things going on in my life at that time. I was hesitant to seek medication for it. I went to my primary doctor and she gave me Ativan for my anxiety, and referred me to a therapist for his opinion on whether or not I needed antidepressants. Joe and I were at couples therapy for about 9 months before the therapist suggested antidepressants. By that time, I was severely depressed. I took an overdose of the Ativan and ended up in the Griffin Hospital psych ward. The doctor there took me off the Ativan and gave me Neurontin for anxiety and started me on Lexapro 20mg for depression. About a week after I got out of the hospital, I left Joe, Joey and Michelle behind and took Christina to live in Florida.

In Florida, I was doing fine with Christina. I was taking my Lexapro 20mg and never needed the Neurontin for anxiety. Enter Joe and the kids in June. My life turned upside-down again, and the stress went up, up, up. By the end of September, the stress was so bad, I took an overdose of my leftover Ativan and Neurontin. This time, I woke up in Memorial Hospital psych ward.
The new doctor kept me on Lexapro 20mg and added Wellbutrin 300mg and Ativan 0.5mg as needed. After several weeks, I wasn't feeling better, so he increased the Wellbutrin to 450mg. After a few weeks of the 450mg, I was feeling much better, but jittery. During that time, I took a long drive up North I-95. I missed my doctor's appointment and wasn't going to therapy. The doctor refused to refill any of my prescriptions. So I had to do something therapists and doctors tell you NEVER to do. I went off my psych meds cold turkey. Aside from the crippling headache and nausea, I did very well, for about a week.

After about a week off of the meds, the suicidal thoughts kept flooding my mind. "I guess I do still need to be on meds," I realized. My suicidal thoughts were disturbing Joe quite a bit, so he suggested I go into Springbrook Hospital voluntarilly. There I was told that 450mg of Wellbutrin was too high of a dose, especially if it was making me feel jittery. I was started on Cymbalta 300mg for depression, Ativan 1mg three times a day and Ambien 10mg for much needed sleep. After just one week, I reported increased suicidal ideation to both my therapist and doctor. The doctor said, I hadn't been on the Cymalta long enough for it to work yet, so give it more time. By the next week, I was still having increasing thoughts of suicide daily. I was in tears at group therapy, so the sent me straight back to Springbrook Hospital.

My doctor was on vacation and the doctor covering for him wasn't on that night, so I got to talk to his nurse practitioner. She was a very opinionated lady, but I liked the feedback I got from her. I described my situation to her and she patiently listened. She couldn't decide if I was bipolar or not. She took me off the Cymbalt, she said it never really works on any of her patients. I told her how I had felt good on the Lexapro/Wellbutrin combination, but she told me that if 450mg of Wellbutrin was needed to make me feel good, that was too much. I needed yet another combination. She put me on Effexor 150mg for depression. The next day, when the covering doctor was in, he increased the Effexor to 300mg and started me on Geodon 20mg. He told me not to worry that Geodon is used for Bipolar and Schizophrenia. He said he gave it to me to help the antidepressant work faster. He also told me to take my Ativan three times a day and not just as needed.

When my regular doctor came back, I questioned him about the manic feelings I was now having. I asked if it was a side effect of the Effexor. "Maybe," he said. I questioned whether or not I was Bipolar since I had been put on the Geodon. "That doctor likes to put everyone on Geodon," he said. "But since you're tolerating it, we won't discontinue it for now. It can help with angry outbursts." This conversation did nothing for my trust in psychiatric doctors. Do they really know what they're doing? **shiver** It's only my body I'm shoveling all this crap into, shouldn't I be concerned?

Well, by the roll of the dice, its two or three weeks later and I'm feeling very good. I still have a very short temper, but I'm getting outside and doing things instead of drawing the curtains and sleeping all day. There may be hope for me after all, Hope Springs Eternal.

That's enough!

Okay, once and for all I am dome with my stupid, ridiculous obsession with him. I've sent him apologies and he still refuses to respond to me. I must be crazy to continue this obsession. Joe is right, it's bad to obsess over things. Especially things you have no control of. I am trying to get rid of as much of my unhealthy behaviour as possible. This man frustrates the hell out of me. It's obvious there is no friendship to be spared. Thank you for listening to this little rant.

Feeling fine, feeling really fine!

I can't remember exactly how long I've been out of the hospital. My guess is around three weeks. Enough time for the new antidepressant to have kicked in. I can't say that I've felt depressed at all for the past few weeks. I have my bad moments, when I break down, but not the constant "I can't go on anymore" feeling. At times, I even feel a little on the manic side. Perhaps it only feels like mania to me because I've felt SO depressed for SO long. It feels good to feel normal. That's not to say that all the problems in my life are solved, of course. I just feel like I can slowly start to deal with them now.

First on the list, is getting back to work. I called my nurse manager and asked her if she wanted me to come back. She said "yes, of course we want you back!" So I filled out the online application as instructed by her. I was soon contacted by the nursing recruiter. I explained the situation to him, and he said he would call my manager and get back with me. I called my manager and she said she would call the recruiter and get back with me. So far, NO ONE has gotten back to me. I'm getting a little bit impatient with them, so I filled out some online applications to a few home health care companies. I already have an interview this Thursday at 2:00. If HCA can't get their act together, I may just take this job instead. I've been wanting to make a change and this could be the perfect opportunity. As soon as I start working again, I think my self esteem will get much better. I am meant to be a nurse, it's who I am, part of my identity.

Working will make me self reliant once again. I don't like having to lean on Joe for support. Even if I do have his kids under my roof. Speaking of Joe, my therapist "ripped me a new one" for spending time with him over the weekend. She doesn't think I should spend any time with him at all. I do want my independence, but that doesn't mean we have to be enemies. I guess I told her that Michelle and I need time away from him, but that doesn't mean he's not welcome in my home at all. She even told me in front of the group, "I'm not having any more family meetings for you, since you won't comply with my advice." That's a bit rude! It almost makes me want to quit group. I won't though, I need to finish therapy to keep getting the medication. Next choice is whether I should stay with this current Psych doctor or go back to Dr Feldman. There always has to be a difficult choice to make. Grrrrr.

I'm starting to feel a lot better.

Over the past few weeks, I think I am gradually beginning to feel better. I've been compliant with my medication, with the exception of not taking a sleeping pill every night. I've only had a few breakdowns, one of them while figuring out the taxes on the night of April 15. That would set anyone off in a panic attack. I dropped the F-bomb so many times, I think Dad would have kicked me out of the house if I'd said it one more time. What can I say? I get excitable. I've even felt manicy a few times. Although, my therapist says that could be a side-effect of Effexor, maybe.

I have been relatively productive this past week. I emailed my resume to Oak Hill, partially prepared taxes, sorted through some old clothes, brought Michelle to get her Military ID, and she got to the doctor finally. I've kept busy, and it feels good to be productive. It's probably best that I start working again. The only bad part of going back to work soon, is that I won't have much time to spend with Michelle and Marcus. They will be leaving before too long. It seems like I have to struggled to make every single decision. Maybe that's why part of me likes having Joe to take charge and control things. Only, he takes it to extreme. See, I'm on the fence with that decision too. The next big decision is deciding whether or not to renew my lease at this apartment. The rent only went up $15, and I'd get a free month's rent. Joey would be able to stay here with his new friends. If I stayed in Weeki Wachee, I could live rent free and save a lot of money, but the school stinks up in Hernando County.

I don't really feel like writing a lot tonight. I just thought I'd give a quick update of the latest events. My friend Barbie went back into Springbrook on Monday. Bummer, I hope she starts to feel better. She's so very lonely. That cutie Camille skipped out on therapy today to see Tom Jones in concert. She says she's loved him since 'way' back. It was sweet of her son to buy the tickets for her. She's a doll, with a creep for a husband.

Speaking of husbands, Joe should be arriving any time now. I'm not sure what the plan is for this weekend, but Joelyn says she's gonna kick his ass if he doesn't leave Michelle alone. Hehehe. If only I had her balls.

Lesson learned

Well, I've always hated things left up on the dashboard of the car. I don't like the way they go back and forth every time you turn. For some odd reason, I had my cell phone on the dash, with the windows open, no less. I made a U-turn and the damn thing went flying right out the window. I pulled over, and Michelle made a mad dash for it. Before she could pick it up, some credant with an SUV thought it would be cute to run over it. What else could I do, but laugh?
So that's what I did, I laughed. I got the last laugh too, because I ended up buying myself a Blackberry Storm, sweet!

Feedback would be a nice thing.

Well, I was hoping for some feedback to my Obsession post. So far, all I got was "Its not good to obsessive over things," from Joe. Well duh! So how can I stop obsessing? It's clear as day that he wants nothing to do with me, so how do I force myself to stop obsessing. I need concrete ideas. Should I just not use the computer for a month? That would kill me. It just pisses me off so much. Why can't he just be my friend? I get the feeling he is making fun of me. I know this sounds paranoid. I guess you can only choose your friends to some extent.

Basically, the point of this latest blog is that I'd like some feedback. It's fine and dandy that you read my blogs, now leave some feedback. Yes, I know I am sensitive to feedback, but I need it. Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. If there's anything I could use right now, it's sincere honesty. I'm not asking anyone to make decisions for me, only steer me in the right direction. My head is clouded now, and I'm making poor decisions, so tell me when I'm doing something detrimental to my overall health, please.