Life goes on

I've been back at work for almost 2 months now. It's very busy work and I am exhausted by the end of the day, but it keeps my mind occupied. Everyone was right. I don't feel so depressed anymore now that I am working again.
It's nice to have money again, but I was stupid enough to let Joe use my Visa check card. Big mistake! He took $700!!! When will I ever learn?
I haven't seen a pdoc in over 2 months now. I missed an appointment last month and when I called to reschedule, they told me that due to my noncompliance I need to find a new doctor. Nice!! I am sooo tempted to just stop taking my meds again, but that didn't work out so well when I did that in February. I convinced my primary doctor to give me enough meds until I can find a new pdoc.
I haven't really been online much these last 2 months either. I haven't missed much, I have wasted way too much time on the Internet. I am glad I started this blog, however. It's been a great outlet. Until next time, life goes on.

I got a job!

I finally got a job. I'm kind of excited about it. Its the hospital I left 4 years ago to move to San Diego. They've made a lot of improvements since I left. Best of all, the day shift only take 5 patients. That is great, I was still taking 7 at my last job, and that was day shift! It's about time I start making some money again.

Two negatives equal a positive.

This week I'm not alone. Christina is staying with me. We were supposed to get her driver's license, but it turned out that you need to schedule an appointment to take the road test. She'll have to wait until next Tuesday.
It's good for the two of us to spend some quality time together. I'm still not sure how I feel about the kids living with their father, but maybe I do need some time to myself to get my mind back in order. Time for just me, and only me. It certainly can't hurt. Or can it? Is it good to be alone? I don't plan on isolating myself, in fact, I was thinking of moving into the same apartment complex that my sister lives in.
I've also thought about living up in Weeki Wachee if I don't find a job in the next week or two. Now, way up there, I would be isolated from my family, but closer to some friends. Free room and board. Good Lord, I hate making decisions. I hate searching for employment too. Who ever knew if would be so difficult to find a nursing job? I guess thinks are tough all over.
Part of me wonders if I'm even ready to go back to work. Will I be able to handle the stress? My therapist and doctor seem to want me to work. I think it's more of a test to them, to see if I can handle the stress. I'll say one thing, all these job rejections aren't doing wonders for my low self esteem.
"If you don't like how you're feeling, then change how you're thinking." I've heard this quote so much lately, you'd think it would be ingrained into my brain by now. I've got to start thinking positively. Think of a positive reason for everything that happens, instead of being so negative all the time. Lets try it! I probably didn't get that Home Health Care job I've been wanting so badly. Positive swing: it's because there is an even more ideal job out there that I haven't found yet. How was that? Is it believable? Most importantly, I have to believe it. I'll keep trying.

Alone again, naturally.

It's been over a week since I've updated my blog. For those of you wondering where I've been, I spent five days in the hospital last week for another overdose. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. My life gets worse every time I do it. It's just that when I become suicidal, it comes on sudden, I get impulsive and do very stupid things. My daughter called 911 and they came within minutes. I can't describe how humiliating it was to be taken away on a stretcher while still fully conscious. I saw my daughter's face as the carried me off...how could I do this to her...again?

My husband decided it was in the kids' best interest to take them to West Palm Beach, where he lives, until I fully recover. I can't say that I disagree with him. I haven't exactly been an ideal parent in these past nine months since my initial overdose. I can't help but feel like a failure as a mother to have my kids taken away. "Unfit mother," God! I never thought those words would describe me. I do feel grateful that my husband is taking them and not the state.

Michelle, my oldest daughter, moved away with my grandson on Monday. I have mixed feelings on her departure. She's 18 and married, so it was only a matter of time before she left anyway. I'm almost certain that my less than predictable behavior was responsible for her decision to move now, instead of in September. She didn't simply move out of the house, she moved from Florida to California, so it's not like I can drop in on her anytime. I won't get to see Marcus as he grows, other that through photos. **cry**

Rather than stay in the big empty house, I've been staying with my parents. I think they like having my close, so they can keep an eye on me. My father and I take our pills together. I almost take as many as he does...and he's got a heart condition!

A single gardenia.

In my garden today is a single beautiful gardenia. I had thought the gardenias had stop blooming for the season, but there it is. To me, its like a symbol of hope. Just when you think nothing in life is going right, a single gardenia blooms to show me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to be okay. It just may take a little time to sort my life out, but it will be sorted out. I'm going to survive. Thank you, little gardenia flower, for reminding me.

My job search

My job search is becoming more productive in the past few days. I had an interview with a home care company yesterday. It went well. They just have to check my references and then I should hear back from them. It would be the most awesome, perfect job for me. For backup, I have interviews at two hospitals next week. One of them being the hospital I worked at for seven years, and the interview is with my old manager. I'm very certain I would get hired there. So now, I might have to decide where to work for a change. I could do part time at both places until I know for sure that I like home care nursing. Now I'm being over confident. I better stop that.

I keep oversleeping this week. I've missed my group therapy two days this week due to over sleeping. That's not good, I really need to keep going. I have a lot of guilt inside for some of the choices I've made in the last couple of years. I feel like I've been a terrible mother. On one of my job applications, it asked if you've ever been investigated by the state for child abuse or neglect. Well yes, in Connecticut, DCS accused me of child neglect for not leaving my abusive husband. I tried to appeal it, but it still stands. So I suppose if someone does a background check, it will show a record of child neglect. It's pure bullshit really. I was trying to keep my family together during difficult times, I wasn't neglecting Christina.

When I finally did leave Joe, I took Christina and left the other two kids behind. So I feel guilty about leaving them behind, but I thought it was in their best interest to finish the school year. They had been moved around so much in the past few years. Now I feel bad that I left at all. I feel like I stole Michelle's senior year from her. She would have stayed in school and graduated with all her friends if I hadn't left. On the other hand, I would have still been neglecting Christina by not protecting her from her father. I guess it was a no win situation. No wonder I had a nervous breakdown.

Today Michelle is mad at me because I didn't go get flour for her to make gravy. She says she's not going to cook anymore. Now, I don't feel guilty for having her cook and I don't feel guilty about not getting flour. I was dressed for bed already and it was raining outside, and you don't have to have gravy. Grrrrrr! She doesn't go to school and she doesn't work, so no, I don't feel bad that she cooks all the time. She likes cooking and I don't anymore. She can do her part around the house, she is 18. I feel guilty enough about so much, but I'm not going to let this bother me.

I'm tired of me

I so tired of being depressed. My life is just plain miserable right now. I can't find a job, and I've never had that problem before in my life. All you ever hear anyone say is "nurses are in such high demand right now!" Well, none of those people ever searched for a nursing job. I suppose part of the problem is that I'm looking for a day shift job. I've only ever searched for night shift. I guess its a lot easier to find a night shift job, but I'm sick of that. It messes with your sleep cycle too much and I don't need that while I trying to recover from depression.

Well, I do have a job interview on Wednesday with a well know home health care agency. I suppose I should stay positive about that. I suppose I have a chance if I have an interview. I hope I don't blow the interview. This is the type of job I really want to do. I am so sick of working myself to death in hospitals with ungrateful patients and ungrateful management. I wonder, what types of questions will he ask me? I have to be prepared. I still need to get a physical before the job interview too. I'm embarrassed to list all the meds that I'm on. Do I have to list them all, I wonder. I most definitely have to list the ativan, in case I'm drug tested.

I am certain to get a lecture by my therapist on Monday, for letting Joe spend the weekend. "You're either together or you're separated, you can't be both!" I can hear it already. They way I see it, Joe's not my enemy. We both realize that we can't live together anymore, but there's no reason we can't be friends. He is one of the few people in my life that understands my depression. I don't think he's enabling me to not make friends. I just can't make friends, I'm painfully shy, have been all my life. It seems like every time I start making friends, something happens to them, or they want to be more than friends, stupid things like that.

I really miss Jeana, she's was the best friend I've ever had, but now she's always too busy for me. Won't even take a few minutes to write to me. I know she's got problems of her own, but that's all the more reason we need to talk to each other. I'm going to go write her a letter right now.

Moody Blues

The last group therapy session I went to was last Thursday. Everything went well during group, but as I was driving home, I broke down in tears. I haven't really been bringing up the things that have been bothering me in group. Almost as if I'm trying to be perfect and without problems. Well, I was crying so hard, and having a terrible time, so I emailed Joe. I probably shouldn't do that to him since he is at work, but I did it anyway. He threatened to call Val, my therapist, when it just occurred to me, "Why don't I just call Val and tell her myself." So I did, I told her that there were a few things bothering me that I was afraid to bring up in group. She understood and made me feel much better. I've got to remember to bring up these topics. How else will I learn to cope with them?

I really wish I'd stop getting these urges to hurt myself. It comes and goes and when I have the urge, nothing makes me feel better. I was glad to had Joe around this weekend to talk to about it. Even though I've been told be nearly everyone to avoid him, especially when it comes to emotional issues. I don't regret spending the weekend with him at all. I fact, I enjoyed his company. I'm feeling much better this evening than I have in the last 4 days. I really hate being so moody. I guess the mood stabilizer I'm on isn't doing the trick.

Another day in the garden.

So, I worked on the garden again today. I finally got rid of those five prickly plants of doom, and I have a splinter under my fingernail to show for it. I don't even care about the splinter, I'm just happy that I'm one step closer to a beautiful garden. Another pat on the back for myself.

The day started out with me oversleeping. I thought I'd never wake up. I don't know why I was so tired. I just felt like staying in bed all day, so I had to force myself to do some dishes and go work on the garden. I'm so glad I did. I even got a phone call from one of the hospitals today. Unfortunately, no one got to the phone in time, but I'm certain they will call back.

Well, It's not exactly The Garden of Eden.

No, my garden is not perfect, or even close to it. It has been abandoned for a little over a year, but the weeds have not abandoned it. Hardly, it is so overgrown with grass and weeds, I barely know where to start. So, I broke out the weedkiller and the tiny garden claw and starting ripping out a bunch of the grass and weeds. I had to wait til evening, otherwise the heat and humidity is too consuming. I weeded for about 30 minutes, then I was exhausted. Left the rest for another day. I know 30 minutes doesn't sound like a lot of time to spend it the garden, but then again, weeding isn't exactly the kind of gardening I like to do. It is necessary though, before I can move on to the next phase, the planting of the beautiful flowers.

I feel like I need to pat myself on the back for this little bit of effort. For it is a task that I have been putting off for over a month. Since gardening is a hobby I enjoy greatly, it's about time I started doing something good for myself. Even if it is just a baby step in the right direction. Good job, Sharon. Do even more tomorrow.

Life is not all good

I want to hurt myself. I cannot stop thinking about it. My life is a mess and I don't have the perseverance to straighten it out. It gets worse every day. I can't help myself. I am hopeless. Someone please come take the pain away.

That's how I was feeling late last night. I go through such terrible mood swings. I ended up taking a handful of sleeping pills. I slept better that I do with just one pill, and I woke up. Not wanting to wake up, but I did regardless. Joe came over, we spent a good portion of the day in the pool playing with Joey. I had lots of fun, got a bit sunburned. Talked a lot with Joe. Now, my therapist says I shouldn't use him for emotional support, but that's all I've known for 22 years. Joe is the only one that can make me feel better, he can talk me down from my terrible moods. He is also a big stress in my life too. This is why I'm on the fence so much. So, I understand the logic of staying away from him emotionally, but who will I go to? I have a few acquaintances, but that's all. My parents don't know what to say when I'm feeling down. I feel bad for them, because I know they want so badly to know what to say.

Honestly, I don't know why anyone bothers with me. I'm such a mess, I probably have little hope for recovery. I know, I know, think positively. Well I'm positively miserable.

There may be hope for me yet!

This week hasn't been too bad so far. I missed group yesterday because I overslept, but at least I've been feeling better. No emotional breakdowns this week. The kids are all getting along really well. Marcus is becoming much more alert. Michelle took him for photos yesterday. I can't wait to see how they turned out. She spent a small fortune on them, so I hope they're good.

I've gotten calls from both Largo Medical Center and Mease Hospital, so that is good for my self esteem. In fact, I have a telephone interview with a recruiter from Mease today. It would be nice to work there because it's so close to home. No calls from any of the home health care places in applied for. I guess they're looking for experience in home health. That kind of stinks, because I'd love to try it out. I suppose I can keep trying even after I start working in a hospital.

It will be good for me to start working again. I don't like having to rely on Joe for money. I'm at his mercy. He won't pay the Verizon wireless bill, so none of the family has a phone now. That's not right! It was a big mistake to put him on my account. Now I have huge bills and he refuses to pay. He broke our deal. Like Val says, I need to distance myself from him. Not let him have control of any part of my life. It may take a while, but I'll get there. Boy, this time last year, I was in a good spot, but I let him get too involved in my life. Now look where I am! He is definitely poison to me.

What a terrible week!

My moods have been up and down like a yo-yo all week. When I say down, I mean on the verge of suicide. More than once this past week. Well, I decided to keep going to group therapy and Val seems like a good therapist. Yet another person to tell me to keep my distance from Joe. Sigh. I guess he is my poison. It makes me so sad to think about it, so I won't. I'm gonna keep thinking of good things. I saw "The Secret" this week, and it makes so much sense! Now to keep thinking positive. That is tricky when you're so depressed.
Dr Yason increased the dose of my Effexor when I told him about my mood swings. Steve, the nurse at PHP never gave me the prescription though! I tried to get it from him today, but he was too busy with some inspector or something. So now I won't get the extra dose until next week! I really should be more assertive when it comes to important things like this.
This very minute, Joe is IMing me about how he's the only one that gets any work done around the house. Should I listen or just ignore him? I've been told by nearly everyone to keep my distance, so I refuse to argue with him. Well, we both still agree on the divorce. Now if we could just get the paperwork going. Lets get this over with so I can go on with my life.

Back to Group Therapy Yesterday.

Ok, so I went back to group therapy. I have a new therapist this time around. I can't say that I like her, or anyone in the group for that matter. I may not go anymore. It's just frustrating going there and hearing the same old thing over and over. It's time for me to take charge of my life and start making decisions on my own. First on the agenda, get a job. That in itself will improve my self-esteem, thus making all other decision making easier. Forget the therapy, it's a waste. I know what I need to do to make my life better. Now I just need the courage to get them done. Therapy is doing nothing but bringing me down. Thanks for getting me in Joe, but I'm gonna pass on it.

It's hopeless

I hate everyone, especially myself. Everyone is against me. I can't do anything right. I just want to die. God, please, just kill me and make room for decent people. I'm never going to be like I was before. I'm just a shell of a person. I cannot even apply for a job without freaking out. Why is this happening to me? I used to do so much for so many for so long. Now, I am useless, washed up, a failure at everything in my life. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Good night.

Tuesday

Well, today ended up being a pretty good day. I spent the weekend at my parent's house to stay away from Joe. Michelle came and picked me up. When Christina got home from school, I took her to do some work on a school project.

I let her drive the Jeep, and we went to Lake Rogers Park to do her project. She took several photos and jotted down notes. She took some really good photos, but we didn't see anything out of the ordinary. After we finished with her project, she even let me search for a geocache.

I found the geocache after a short hike through the muggy woods. It was icky to say the least. After finding the geocache, I even let her drive to Best Buy so she could look at computers. She won't be satisfied until her HP laptop is replaced. She may have to wait a while.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm confused. I'm trapped. I'm a lot of things. I don't really feel like writing today, but I cannot sleep. I am stuck in limbo and I don't like this feeling. Something needs to change, because I can't keep living this way. Joe refuses to accept boundaries. He is intimidating, rude, demanding, belittling and just a pain in the ass to be around in general. I simply cannot remain in his presence for more than a few hours. It's definitely time for divorce. To hell with being separated, I need closure to this nightmare, and soon.

Uh oh!

Ok, so my last day of group therapy was Tuesday. While I was in group, Joe sent me a text message saying that we don't qualify for refinancing on the house. So of course, I break down and start crying. Clearly, I'm not ready to leave group therapy, but insurance says otherwise. So I left group that day, and received lots of hugs and support from most of the folks.

Since then, I've been having a terrible time. I break down at the drop of a hat. This is so not good. I've even felt suicidal at times. The last thing I need is to go back to the hospital right now. I'm supposed to be getting better. I take my medication as directed. I just wish I had some direction to move. I don't know where I'll be living in three months. I wish I could just get this divorce and bankruptcy over and done with. I don't feel like I can work right now, that would push me over the edge.

I'm starting to think Joe should take the kids. I just can't handle the stress of them anymore. I know this is a shitty thing for a mother to say, but I just don't think I can get well with them around. I'm too messed up in the head to be responsible for them. This makes me sad, but its for the best.

I am a failure as a mother, a failure as a wife and a failure in life for that matter. I should be locked up and sent away never to be seen from again. I hate myself!

I'll make this a quick update

This has to be a quicky, because I don't know how long I can rely on this unsecured network. Luckilly, Verizon will be installing DSL and FIOS TV. I can hardly wait.

It's been quit an adventure living back in the house. Just being in the house itself is exciting enough, but the Marcus came along at the very same time. Lots of stress, enough stress to send me spiraling down into depression again. They say even good stress can affect you. Well, having Marcus and being in the house are good stressors, but there are still plenty of bad ones too.

When we had the water turned on, there was a virtual water fountain in the pool bath. I turned the water to that toilet off right away and bought parts to fix it, but never got around to it. Joey continues to use it regardless. I've asked him to at least pour a bucket of water in to flush it down that way, but you know how boys listen to their mothers. Not very well. Well, I finally fixed it after today's events.

Christina comes home from school and reports that her toilet is leaking water, the hall carpet is wet and all the smoke alarms in the house are going off. Joe told her over the phone how to turn the toilet off. So I come home to all the smoke alarms blaring, and water leaking through Joey's ceiling. **sigh** I disconnected the smoke alarm in Joey's room and the rest of them went off. I had Christina wet vac the hall carpet and I dried off the ceiling as best I could. This prompted me to repair Joey's toilet. Now I just need to get parts for Christina's toilet.

All this excitement was just today. There has been lots more excitement. I shall go into more detail when I get a more secure network. Ta ta for now.

The past week.

Several things have happened over this last week. The most important being the move back into the house. It is a great thing for the family. Everyone seems so happy about it. I dread thinking about getting denied for refinancing. What will become of us all then. I know it is something that I can accept, but I'm not sure about Joey or Christina.

I'm going to spend the next two months enjoying my house and working in my garden and doing some much needed inner healing. If we are forced to move, I will at least have my closure on this subject. It's something that has been eating away at me for four years now. To come back to the house and find it so neglected is a difficult thing to deal with also. All I can do is move forward and do my best to clean up the mess.

Michelle is finally in labor. Soon Marcus will be born, and soon after he's born, they will both be moving away. Words cannot describe how much this will hurt. I plan on enjoying every second I have to spend with the two of them. I can always go and visit them.

I was sitting outside on the porch of the house yesterday and the kids were all gone. I felt so alone sitting there. Not just alone, lonely. I was never friends with any of the neighbors before, so I don't expect to be friends with any of them now, but wouldn't it be a nice thing? I really need a good friend, someone like Jeana. I miss her so much. I'm making myself cry. I need to stop, this is supposed to be a happy day.

May 1st

OK, it's finally May, but where is Marcus? I guess Michelle was right when figuring out her due date. What do doctors know? Pffffttt. I am soooo anxious to see him. I can hardly wait any longer. I am done with being upset at being a grandmother. In fact, now I'm excited to be one. Babies are so much fun. A lot of work, yes, but fun, fun, fun. Michelle sees the doctor this afternoon, so we'll see what he says about induction. She is ready to get him out for sure.

Oh, I am sad that I miss group this morning. I overslept, and I was supposed to be there for Dan's last day. Sorry Dan! I wonder how much time I have left in group? It's really helpful. I am feeling soooo much better, but I doubt I would be if I didn't go to group every week. I have a feeling that my life is going to start getting a lot better real soon. Hopefully, I am right.

Transition

I don't really feel so depressed anymore. I am just confused. Everything in my life right now is in a transitional phase. My marriage, my living arrangements, my job, my mental health are all in transition. Most of these transitions require a major decision to be made. I am not good with decisions, not at all. As my mental health improves, I've got to decide where do I want to live? Is it a good school district for the kids? Is it close enough to work? Where will I work? Will Joe be in the picture? How do I deal with Joe?

That is the toughest question, how DO I deal with Joe? As much as I'd love to reconcile with him. He remains angry and bitter, and always tries to rationalize his past mistakes. I'd say 75% of the time I am around him, I feel anxious and frustrated. Many times I feel suicidal after discussions with him. He refuses to see a doctor to get back on his medication, so he's angry quite a bit. Even if I decide to stay separated from him, how do I deal with him? Do I welcome him in my home, or keep him away? I just can't figure it out, and I know I frustrate him with my indecision.

Don't practice on me!

You know, there is a good reason medical doctors call what they do their practice. For an example of this, I'll go over the list of psychotropics I have been on in the past year or so.

First, when Christina was hospitalized, her therapist told me that it was clear from my behaviour that I was suffering from depression. At that point, yes I felt a bit depressed, but figured it was from the moves and the bad things going on in my life at that time. I was hesitant to seek medication for it. I went to my primary doctor and she gave me Ativan for my anxiety, and referred me to a therapist for his opinion on whether or not I needed antidepressants. Joe and I were at couples therapy for about 9 months before the therapist suggested antidepressants. By that time, I was severely depressed. I took an overdose of the Ativan and ended up in the Griffin Hospital psych ward. The doctor there took me off the Ativan and gave me Neurontin for anxiety and started me on Lexapro 20mg for depression. About a week after I got out of the hospital, I left Joe, Joey and Michelle behind and took Christina to live in Florida.

In Florida, I was doing fine with Christina. I was taking my Lexapro 20mg and never needed the Neurontin for anxiety. Enter Joe and the kids in June. My life turned upside-down again, and the stress went up, up, up. By the end of September, the stress was so bad, I took an overdose of my leftover Ativan and Neurontin. This time, I woke up in Memorial Hospital psych ward.
The new doctor kept me on Lexapro 20mg and added Wellbutrin 300mg and Ativan 0.5mg as needed. After several weeks, I wasn't feeling better, so he increased the Wellbutrin to 450mg. After a few weeks of the 450mg, I was feeling much better, but jittery. During that time, I took a long drive up North I-95. I missed my doctor's appointment and wasn't going to therapy. The doctor refused to refill any of my prescriptions. So I had to do something therapists and doctors tell you NEVER to do. I went off my psych meds cold turkey. Aside from the crippling headache and nausea, I did very well, for about a week.

After about a week off of the meds, the suicidal thoughts kept flooding my mind. "I guess I do still need to be on meds," I realized. My suicidal thoughts were disturbing Joe quite a bit, so he suggested I go into Springbrook Hospital voluntarilly. There I was told that 450mg of Wellbutrin was too high of a dose, especially if it was making me feel jittery. I was started on Cymbalta 300mg for depression, Ativan 1mg three times a day and Ambien 10mg for much needed sleep. After just one week, I reported increased suicidal ideation to both my therapist and doctor. The doctor said, I hadn't been on the Cymalta long enough for it to work yet, so give it more time. By the next week, I was still having increasing thoughts of suicide daily. I was in tears at group therapy, so the sent me straight back to Springbrook Hospital.

My doctor was on vacation and the doctor covering for him wasn't on that night, so I got to talk to his nurse practitioner. She was a very opinionated lady, but I liked the feedback I got from her. I described my situation to her and she patiently listened. She couldn't decide if I was bipolar or not. She took me off the Cymbalt, she said it never really works on any of her patients. I told her how I had felt good on the Lexapro/Wellbutrin combination, but she told me that if 450mg of Wellbutrin was needed to make me feel good, that was too much. I needed yet another combination. She put me on Effexor 150mg for depression. The next day, when the covering doctor was in, he increased the Effexor to 300mg and started me on Geodon 20mg. He told me not to worry that Geodon is used for Bipolar and Schizophrenia. He said he gave it to me to help the antidepressant work faster. He also told me to take my Ativan three times a day and not just as needed.

When my regular doctor came back, I questioned him about the manic feelings I was now having. I asked if it was a side effect of the Effexor. "Maybe," he said. I questioned whether or not I was Bipolar since I had been put on the Geodon. "That doctor likes to put everyone on Geodon," he said. "But since you're tolerating it, we won't discontinue it for now. It can help with angry outbursts." This conversation did nothing for my trust in psychiatric doctors. Do they really know what they're doing? **shiver** It's only my body I'm shoveling all this crap into, shouldn't I be concerned?

Well, by the roll of the dice, its two or three weeks later and I'm feeling very good. I still have a very short temper, but I'm getting outside and doing things instead of drawing the curtains and sleeping all day. There may be hope for me after all, Hope Springs Eternal.

That's enough!

Okay, once and for all I am dome with my stupid, ridiculous obsession with him. I've sent him apologies and he still refuses to respond to me. I must be crazy to continue this obsession. Joe is right, it's bad to obsess over things. Especially things you have no control of. I am trying to get rid of as much of my unhealthy behaviour as possible. This man frustrates the hell out of me. It's obvious there is no friendship to be spared. Thank you for listening to this little rant.

Feeling fine, feeling really fine!

I can't remember exactly how long I've been out of the hospital. My guess is around three weeks. Enough time for the new antidepressant to have kicked in. I can't say that I've felt depressed at all for the past few weeks. I have my bad moments, when I break down, but not the constant "I can't go on anymore" feeling. At times, I even feel a little on the manic side. Perhaps it only feels like mania to me because I've felt SO depressed for SO long. It feels good to feel normal. That's not to say that all the problems in my life are solved, of course. I just feel like I can slowly start to deal with them now.

First on the list, is getting back to work. I called my nurse manager and asked her if she wanted me to come back. She said "yes, of course we want you back!" So I filled out the online application as instructed by her. I was soon contacted by the nursing recruiter. I explained the situation to him, and he said he would call my manager and get back with me. I called my manager and she said she would call the recruiter and get back with me. So far, NO ONE has gotten back to me. I'm getting a little bit impatient with them, so I filled out some online applications to a few home health care companies. I already have an interview this Thursday at 2:00. If HCA can't get their act together, I may just take this job instead. I've been wanting to make a change and this could be the perfect opportunity. As soon as I start working again, I think my self esteem will get much better. I am meant to be a nurse, it's who I am, part of my identity.

Working will make me self reliant once again. I don't like having to lean on Joe for support. Even if I do have his kids under my roof. Speaking of Joe, my therapist "ripped me a new one" for spending time with him over the weekend. She doesn't think I should spend any time with him at all. I do want my independence, but that doesn't mean we have to be enemies. I guess I told her that Michelle and I need time away from him, but that doesn't mean he's not welcome in my home at all. She even told me in front of the group, "I'm not having any more family meetings for you, since you won't comply with my advice." That's a bit rude! It almost makes me want to quit group. I won't though, I need to finish therapy to keep getting the medication. Next choice is whether I should stay with this current Psych doctor or go back to Dr Feldman. There always has to be a difficult choice to make. Grrrrr.

I'm starting to feel a lot better.

Over the past few weeks, I think I am gradually beginning to feel better. I've been compliant with my medication, with the exception of not taking a sleeping pill every night. I've only had a few breakdowns, one of them while figuring out the taxes on the night of April 15. That would set anyone off in a panic attack. I dropped the F-bomb so many times, I think Dad would have kicked me out of the house if I'd said it one more time. What can I say? I get excitable. I've even felt manicy a few times. Although, my therapist says that could be a side-effect of Effexor, maybe.

I have been relatively productive this past week. I emailed my resume to Oak Hill, partially prepared taxes, sorted through some old clothes, brought Michelle to get her Military ID, and she got to the doctor finally. I've kept busy, and it feels good to be productive. It's probably best that I start working again. The only bad part of going back to work soon, is that I won't have much time to spend with Michelle and Marcus. They will be leaving before too long. It seems like I have to struggled to make every single decision. Maybe that's why part of me likes having Joe to take charge and control things. Only, he takes it to extreme. See, I'm on the fence with that decision too. The next big decision is deciding whether or not to renew my lease at this apartment. The rent only went up $15, and I'd get a free month's rent. Joey would be able to stay here with his new friends. If I stayed in Weeki Wachee, I could live rent free and save a lot of money, but the school stinks up in Hernando County.

I don't really feel like writing a lot tonight. I just thought I'd give a quick update of the latest events. My friend Barbie went back into Springbrook on Monday. Bummer, I hope she starts to feel better. She's so very lonely. That cutie Camille skipped out on therapy today to see Tom Jones in concert. She says she's loved him since 'way' back. It was sweet of her son to buy the tickets for her. She's a doll, with a creep for a husband.

Speaking of husbands, Joe should be arriving any time now. I'm not sure what the plan is for this weekend, but Joelyn says she's gonna kick his ass if he doesn't leave Michelle alone. Hehehe. If only I had her balls.

Lesson learned

Well, I've always hated things left up on the dashboard of the car. I don't like the way they go back and forth every time you turn. For some odd reason, I had my cell phone on the dash, with the windows open, no less. I made a U-turn and the damn thing went flying right out the window. I pulled over, and Michelle made a mad dash for it. Before she could pick it up, some credant with an SUV thought it would be cute to run over it. What else could I do, but laugh?
So that's what I did, I laughed. I got the last laugh too, because I ended up buying myself a Blackberry Storm, sweet!

Feedback would be a nice thing.

Well, I was hoping for some feedback to my Obsession post. So far, all I got was "Its not good to obsessive over things," from Joe. Well duh! So how can I stop obsessing? It's clear as day that he wants nothing to do with me, so how do I force myself to stop obsessing. I need concrete ideas. Should I just not use the computer for a month? That would kill me. It just pisses me off so much. Why can't he just be my friend? I get the feeling he is making fun of me. I know this sounds paranoid. I guess you can only choose your friends to some extent.

Basically, the point of this latest blog is that I'd like some feedback. It's fine and dandy that you read my blogs, now leave some feedback. Yes, I know I am sensitive to feedback, but I need it. Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. If there's anything I could use right now, it's sincere honesty. I'm not asking anyone to make decisions for me, only steer me in the right direction. My head is clouded now, and I'm making poor decisions, so tell me when I'm doing something detrimental to my overall health, please.

I'm so confused

I am so confused right now. I don't know what direction to go. I know my life needs changes, but what? So many things are about to change anyway. Michelle and Marcus will be leaving in June. School is over in June. My lease for this overpriced apartment is up in June. So where should I move? Who should move in with me? Should I go to West Palm Beach with Joe? Should I stay here and be alone for the summer? My head is spinning.

Should I go back to work yet? Part of me wants to go back, but part of me is uncertain that I'm ready. I certainly need the income, but I don't want to push myself into a relapse of this depression. I am feeling much better in the last few weeks. I did have a breakdown in group yesterday. Camille was discussing how her husband has treated her for 36 years. Joelyn called in battered wife syndrome. Joe is no where near that evil, but he does have his fits of rage sometimes. It just makes me so unsure of what to do. I would like to stay together and work through things, but his anger scares me.

Michelle started having labor pains yesterday. This baby is coming soon. I can't wait to see him. I know I'm going to breakdown when Michelle leaves. I cry just thinking about it. She's just a baby herself to me. I am scared for her.

My Obsession

I'd be the first to admit that I'm addicted to the Internet. I probably have been for a long time. However, ever since I've fallen into this deep depression, I've had an even more troublesome addiction. I'm am obsessed with a particular website, or more precisely the owner of the website. What makes it worse, is that I haven't been working, giving me much too much time on my hands. Making my obsession even worse.

It started during the last semester of school, when Christina was taking German in class. We planned on going on the school trip to Germany. This sounded exciting to me, since I missed out of the trip to Italy with Michelle. So, I started exploring German websites, hoping to practice my three years of high school German. I found an interesting site, complete with 24 hour web cam. I started watching his web cam and watching his YouTube videos. He seems to have a very funny and quirky personality that I liked. I started reading his blogs, with the help of a translator. I even left several comments. I'm certain that my comments sounded silly to him since even with translator for help, its difficult to fully understand some of what is being said on the blog. I felt uncomfortable leaving comments on the blog for that reason, so I started following him on Twitter.

I left several messages for him there, but the only one that really seemed to get his attention was the one that said I was attracted to him. Well, I am attracted to him, but that wasn't my objective of talking to him. He asked my to join him on MSN, so we could chat there. He noticed that I had a web cam. "Let's try it" he said. Well, Joe's always telling me to try new things, so I tried it. I found out that I am much to insecure for web cam sex. I'm sure he was disappointed. Since then, whenever I have tried to talk to him, he treats me like a nagging exwife. Geez, all I really wanted was to talk to him about anything and everything. I think we have the same quirky personality. I think it would be fun to just talk to him. I'd love to just be pen pals and share fun stories with him. I guess he wants no part of that, sadly.

So anyway, now I'm obsessed with him. I can't get myself to stop visiting his website and watching him. Yes, I do find him attractive, but I really only want to talk to him. Now, he has me blocked so I can't leave messages to him. This really makes me sad, since I only wanted a friend. I guess I took the wrong approach, but how do I fix that now. He thinks I'm some mad stalker or something. I think it's too late. He seems to hate me now. I guess the intellegent thing to do, would be to move on. That's much easier said than done. Well, his website is one of the sites at the bottom of this blog. Check it out and see what you think.

Another Busy Weekend.

It seems as though the busier I keep myself, the better I feel during the day, and the better I sleep through the night. This makes complete sense. It's just that, until last week, I never felt like even getting dresses for the day, let alone get out and do something constructive. I going to remain positive and say that this is a sign that I am starting to recover. I must remain cautious, because its only week two since the last med change.

Well, this was a busy weekend, indeed. It started on Friday when I left my PHP (Post Hospital Program) early to meet my parents and Patty for our weekly lunch. I like this little routine, and I think its a good way to keep in contact with the family. Otherwise, it might just be the occasional phone call and that would be it. I know this from the past. When I first moved back to Florida ten years ago, my parents lived maybe two miles away, but I rarely saw them or even received phone calls. I believe this was their way of "not interfering." I would have preferred for them to call and visit more often. They know this now, so this is probably one of things that started this weekly ritual.

Back to my busy weekend. After having a delicious lunch at Country Pizza Inn, we drove over to see Patty's new apartment. As we were there, we were discussing each other's furniture and how this would be better there and that would be better here, etc. All this would require moving furniture between four different houses. "Let's wait until tomorrow," most of them said. Being the newly 'medication induced' ambitious one of the crowd. Of course, I ofter to get things started right away. After all, it was only 2:00 in the afternoon. Plenty of time to beat rush hour. First, I had to drive up to Weeki Wachee to get the trailer. Then we drove to my apartment, loaded my dining room set, and brought it to Nicole's new apartment. Once that was unloaded, we loaded the slate pub table she was borrowing and brought it back to Patty's place. Then, to make room in Patty's dining room, we loaded her baker's cabinet and brought it to my place. I've always loved that cabinet. Now, everyone had the furniture they wanted, and all were happy. Boy, did I sleep well that night. I don't even think I took a sleeping pill.

Saturday was another long day. I think I woke up later than intended, around 9am. Joe and I drove up to Weeki Wachee to drop off a car. On the way, I stopped at the store to pick up Birthday gifts for Dylan and Mom. I wrapped them both, and we quickly headed back to Tampa. I took Michelle and Christina (big mistake) and was on my way to Dylan's birthday party. I had no idea what time it was or what time the party was, but I kept getting phone calls while I was driving, so either Michelle or Christina would talk to whoever it was calling. Well, this lead to a corruption in the communication. I arrived to Dylan's birthday party, only to discover that it was over. This lead to and angry outburst, Sharon style. This did not make Christina happy at all. She grabbed my phone and called her father to come get her. Now its not like she's never seen my have an angry outburst, but suddenly she's a delicate little flower, RIGHT! Now I headed back to Patty's house, where she was watching Dylan while his mother worked. We brought in the presents, he seemed to enjoy his, she seemed to be pleased with hers. All was right in the world again...until Joe called. He wanted to talk to Christina. "Yes," she said, "I still want you to come get me!" She said this even though I had apologized to her for my upsetting her with my outburst. Whatever! At first, Patty didn't seem to be too pleased about letting Joe know where she lives, but she agreed to it. He arrived and we all had a nice family discussion about relationships and different points of view. It went surprisingly well. I sort of like having Patty as an Alie when discussing certain things with Joe. It was nice having me, Joe and all the kids together at the same time without any fighting. This is a rarity for sure.

Sunday, the Renaissance Festival. We've been to several of these over the years and they can be lots of fun. The whole family went, and we even met up with Patty and her friends for a little while. Michelle and Christina were dressed up in costume. I think everyone enjoyed themselves. The girls all had tarot cards read. We watched the part of the Chess game and the Jousting match. Michelle and I got temporary tattoos. I'm not really sure what the boys did, since we were separated most of the time. The downside of it all; it's hot, it's crowded, it's expensive, and we always lose each other. We finally found each other at the Pirate stage, next to the exit. We were all exhausted and ready to leave. Christina starts in with her "thanks for pushing me" bullshit that she does. God forbid your arm touch hers when you walk next to her. Well, for some reason, this put me in a REALLY bad mood. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. One the drive there, Joe, Joey and Christina were all giving Michelle a hard time. Just all four of them being rude and crude back and forth. Hearing this stuff, just breaks my heart. It makes me realize that we will NEVER be a whole happy family again. I went into a rage, and Christina kept looking over towards Joe. That made me feel ever worse. It used to be me protecting her from him, now its the other way around. I don't like how she manipulates everyone. I started crying on the way home. This is the first time I have cried in over a week. Damn. I think I need to stay away from her. It's good that she lives with Melonese. She disrupts this family WAY too much. I love her, but I hate to be around her. Her negativity is like a contagious viral disease, nothing you can do to make it go away. Just ride out the storm. Yuck, no thank you. I'm in recovery, I don't need it.

Great Weekend!!

I have been feeling very good these last few days. Joe and I had a great weekend together. We accomplished quite a bit. It feels good to be doing something productive for a change. I hope this feeling doesn't go away. It has to be the medication. Time will tell.

On Saturday, we drove up to Weeki Wachee and put up most of the privacy fence. Most importantly, we put up the front. After we got the fence up, we both planted gardens. I planted a flower garden in front of the fence, complete with solar nightlights. Gardenias, azaleas, desert rose, a blueberry bush and a grape vine. Joe planted a few trees and several vegetables in the back yard. This took us almost all day. Luckily, we had a good downpour so, we didn't need to water the plants in the morning.

Sunday, we had a late start. We had originally planned on going to a geocaching event in Fort De Soto, but it started earlier than we thought. The weather wasn't the best either, so we decided not to go. Joe did some work on the transmission of the red Geo Metro. Later we cleaned and organized the house. We loaded a dresser, nightstand, two end tables and a rocking chair onto the trailer and brought them home to Tampa. Now the only thing needed is Grandma's couch for the living room. We ran out of time to get that. I will try to get it on Monday.

We finally put up the baby's portacrib. Michelle seems to be depressed lately. I wonder if it's because she's getting nervous about having the baby or maybe she misses Kelvin. It could also be the fact that she's not getting along with Joe. Maybe its all of these things. I will have to try and cheer her up, or see if she will let me know what's bothering her. She stays at home inside all the time, and that worries me, it's a sign of depression. Maybe having the baby will get her motivated to start being more active. She should be nesting by now.

I am hoping to have a good week. I am feeling much better and hopefully I can get out and do things with Michelle, Christina and Joey. I haven't been spending enough time with them lately and I am feeling bad about that. I think they understand that I've been depressed though. Time to make it up to them. It's about time!

Post six day stay at Springbrook Hospital

I am feeling much better now. Isn't it amazing what the proper medications can do? This latest adventure started last Friday morning at my PHP (Post Hospitalization Program) group. Joe advised me to be completely honest with my feelings, so I let the therapist know that my thoughts of suicide had been becoming more frequent. She thought is was best to place me back into the hospital. I went voluntarily, I'm certain they would have Baker Acted me otherwise.

This stay was very productive. I started out my day there in admissions. It took forever,but while I was there I met Dee. Dee and I ended up being good friend while there. We had a couple of things in common, but I can't say we looked a lot alike. For some strange reason, many people got our names confused. Maybe because we came in at the same time, or maybe because we were together all the time. Either way, she was my pal, and I was greatful to have someone like her around while I was there.

Another thing I learned while there was how badly being on the wrong medication can effect you. I spoke to a Nurse Practitioner before actually speaking to the doctor. She told me that the Cymbalta that I had been taking rarely ever works. Not only that, she was certain that it was the cause of my increasing thoughts of suicide. I haven't taken it since Thursday night, and I haven't thought of suicide since then. Now I've been taking Effexor (an antidepressant) and Geodon (an antipsychotic). My doctor assured my that the Geodon was given to me to aid in the effectiveness of the anti depressants. Joe likes to joke around and say i'm bipolar. My diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder recurrent NOT Bipolar Disorder.

Something is wrong with them...

Well, it's past midnight and I'm still up again. This is no big surprise, because I have been suffering from insomnia for the last two or three years. Now, whether this is because I worked the night shift for ten years or because I am deeply depressed, I do not know, but it's a pain in the rear. If I take a sleeping pill, once I finally fall asleep it's difficult for me to wake up. If I force myself to wake up, then I will be exhausted. If I don't take a sleeping pill, it will take me until around 4am to fall asleep. Forget trying to wake me up before noon. As much as this bothers me, it is not the purpose of this latest post. Laying in bed trying to sleep makes my mind wander, and I started to think about something that has really been bothering me for the past several days.

My parents left for Biloxi Mississippi this past Monday. Since I've been so depressed and suicidal lately, they asked me if I had a problem with them leaving town for the week. "I don't have a problem with you leaving town, but you should know that my rent is still late and eviction is eminent." It seems as though my Mom only heard the first half of my statement, because she started to go on and on about their upcoming trip to Biloxi. I had to, I just HAD to hang up on her. I don't if she's going senile or if she just doesn't care if I get evicted. What I want to know is this...what kind of parents can go to a casino and waste money while their child and grandchildren are about to be evicted? Am I being oversensitive here? I don't think so.

Maybe I am being too hard on them. It's not their fault I have no money right now. I've been on Medical leave since December and my short term disabilty money is gone. My sick time is all used up. I don't know what else to do, I am most definitely not ready to go back to work. I am still seriously depressed and suicidal. Joe has been trying to help me out, but he goes on spending sprees and cannot be relied upon. Still, I though I had a supportive family, I guess I don't.

There's another thing that confuses me about my parents. Before I was discharged from the hospital, the therapist spoke with my father. He agreed to monitor my medications and limit my access to Ativan. Well, he hasn't done either. I have been taking my medications okay, but I have about 100mg of Ativan available to me. It would be very easy for my to take an overdose of Ativan. In fact, I almost did last night. Instead, I made some phone calls and spoke to some friends.

Hopefully, I will continue to utilize my friends for support and use other coping mechanisms when I become hopeless, because my family obviously isn't there for me. End of rant.

Welcome!! The First Day of Spring!

Finally, spring has arrived. This is an encouraging time of year for me, since spring signifies a new beginning. This is clearly something I need, a new beginning. It's been a long time coming.

March has not been a good month for me. It started off with a seven day hospital stay for suicidal ideation. This is the third time I've been hospitalized in just over a year. Obviously, the medications are not working. I must take part of the blame for my lack of recovery. I should have been following up hospitalization with therapy. I obviously thought I could recover with out group or private therapy, I was wrong.

This time, I started group therapy the week after I was released from the hospital. Group therapy has its ups and downs, but overall, I think it is helpful. A good thing about therapy is that I get to see how much better off I am than a lot of these people. I mean, some of these poor folks probably have very little hope for recovery. The bad part of this is that it falsely made me feel like I was okay. I'm not okay. I am still seriously depressed, full of anxiety, and suicidal at the drop of a hat. I've told the psychiatrist and therapists, they say I haven't been on my new meds long enough to make a change. I guess they are okay with me being suicidal? Weird.

Oh yeah, and I haven't paid my rent yet this month. I'm most likely going to be evicted any day now. Woohoo! It would have been paid, but Joe told me to go to California last month and "Don't worry about money, just have fun." In retrospect, I was wrong to assume that he meant he had the rent covered. Too late to worry about that now. At least I have Weeki Wachee to fall back on...except...how is Joey going to get to school every day? Where are Michelle and the baby going to stay for the next two months. Wahhh!

Well, spring has arrived, and spring is a time for hope. I will try my best to stay as positive as I can. Everyone keeps telling me, "this too shall pass." I hope so. As long as I can keep myself from being impulsive and swallowing a bottle full of ativan, I think I have a great chance for recovery.