Tuesday

Well, today ended up being a pretty good day. I spent the weekend at my parent's house to stay away from Joe. Michelle came and picked me up. When Christina got home from school, I took her to do some work on a school project.

I let her drive the Jeep, and we went to Lake Rogers Park to do her project. She took several photos and jotted down notes. She took some really good photos, but we didn't see anything out of the ordinary. After we finished with her project, she even let me search for a geocache.

I found the geocache after a short hike through the muggy woods. It was icky to say the least. After finding the geocache, I even let her drive to Best Buy so she could look at computers. She won't be satisfied until her HP laptop is replaced. She may have to wait a while.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm confused. I'm trapped. I'm a lot of things. I don't really feel like writing today, but I cannot sleep. I am stuck in limbo and I don't like this feeling. Something needs to change, because I can't keep living this way. Joe refuses to accept boundaries. He is intimidating, rude, demanding, belittling and just a pain in the ass to be around in general. I simply cannot remain in his presence for more than a few hours. It's definitely time for divorce. To hell with being separated, I need closure to this nightmare, and soon.

Uh oh!

Ok, so my last day of group therapy was Tuesday. While I was in group, Joe sent me a text message saying that we don't qualify for refinancing on the house. So of course, I break down and start crying. Clearly, I'm not ready to leave group therapy, but insurance says otherwise. So I left group that day, and received lots of hugs and support from most of the folks.

Since then, I've been having a terrible time. I break down at the drop of a hat. This is so not good. I've even felt suicidal at times. The last thing I need is to go back to the hospital right now. I'm supposed to be getting better. I take my medication as directed. I just wish I had some direction to move. I don't know where I'll be living in three months. I wish I could just get this divorce and bankruptcy over and done with. I don't feel like I can work right now, that would push me over the edge.

I'm starting to think Joe should take the kids. I just can't handle the stress of them anymore. I know this is a shitty thing for a mother to say, but I just don't think I can get well with them around. I'm too messed up in the head to be responsible for them. This makes me sad, but its for the best.

I am a failure as a mother, a failure as a wife and a failure in life for that matter. I should be locked up and sent away never to be seen from again. I hate myself!

I'll make this a quick update

This has to be a quicky, because I don't know how long I can rely on this unsecured network. Luckilly, Verizon will be installing DSL and FIOS TV. I can hardly wait.

It's been quit an adventure living back in the house. Just being in the house itself is exciting enough, but the Marcus came along at the very same time. Lots of stress, enough stress to send me spiraling down into depression again. They say even good stress can affect you. Well, having Marcus and being in the house are good stressors, but there are still plenty of bad ones too.

When we had the water turned on, there was a virtual water fountain in the pool bath. I turned the water to that toilet off right away and bought parts to fix it, but never got around to it. Joey continues to use it regardless. I've asked him to at least pour a bucket of water in to flush it down that way, but you know how boys listen to their mothers. Not very well. Well, I finally fixed it after today's events.

Christina comes home from school and reports that her toilet is leaking water, the hall carpet is wet and all the smoke alarms in the house are going off. Joe told her over the phone how to turn the toilet off. So I come home to all the smoke alarms blaring, and water leaking through Joey's ceiling. **sigh** I disconnected the smoke alarm in Joey's room and the rest of them went off. I had Christina wet vac the hall carpet and I dried off the ceiling as best I could. This prompted me to repair Joey's toilet. Now I just need to get parts for Christina's toilet.

All this excitement was just today. There has been lots more excitement. I shall go into more detail when I get a more secure network. Ta ta for now.

The past week.

Several things have happened over this last week. The most important being the move back into the house. It is a great thing for the family. Everyone seems so happy about it. I dread thinking about getting denied for refinancing. What will become of us all then. I know it is something that I can accept, but I'm not sure about Joey or Christina.

I'm going to spend the next two months enjoying my house and working in my garden and doing some much needed inner healing. If we are forced to move, I will at least have my closure on this subject. It's something that has been eating away at me for four years now. To come back to the house and find it so neglected is a difficult thing to deal with also. All I can do is move forward and do my best to clean up the mess.

Michelle is finally in labor. Soon Marcus will be born, and soon after he's born, they will both be moving away. Words cannot describe how much this will hurt. I plan on enjoying every second I have to spend with the two of them. I can always go and visit them.

I was sitting outside on the porch of the house yesterday and the kids were all gone. I felt so alone sitting there. Not just alone, lonely. I was never friends with any of the neighbors before, so I don't expect to be friends with any of them now, but wouldn't it be a nice thing? I really need a good friend, someone like Jeana. I miss her so much. I'm making myself cry. I need to stop, this is supposed to be a happy day.

May 1st

OK, it's finally May, but where is Marcus? I guess Michelle was right when figuring out her due date. What do doctors know? Pffffttt. I am soooo anxious to see him. I can hardly wait any longer. I am done with being upset at being a grandmother. In fact, now I'm excited to be one. Babies are so much fun. A lot of work, yes, but fun, fun, fun. Michelle sees the doctor this afternoon, so we'll see what he says about induction. She is ready to get him out for sure.

Oh, I am sad that I miss group this morning. I overslept, and I was supposed to be there for Dan's last day. Sorry Dan! I wonder how much time I have left in group? It's really helpful. I am feeling soooo much better, but I doubt I would be if I didn't go to group every week. I have a feeling that my life is going to start getting a lot better real soon. Hopefully, I am right.