Moody Blues

The last group therapy session I went to was last Thursday. Everything went well during group, but as I was driving home, I broke down in tears. I haven't really been bringing up the things that have been bothering me in group. Almost as if I'm trying to be perfect and without problems. Well, I was crying so hard, and having a terrible time, so I emailed Joe. I probably shouldn't do that to him since he is at work, but I did it anyway. He threatened to call Val, my therapist, when it just occurred to me, "Why don't I just call Val and tell her myself." So I did, I told her that there were a few things bothering me that I was afraid to bring up in group. She understood and made me feel much better. I've got to remember to bring up these topics. How else will I learn to cope with them?

I really wish I'd stop getting these urges to hurt myself. It comes and goes and when I have the urge, nothing makes me feel better. I was glad to had Joe around this weekend to talk to about it. Even though I've been told be nearly everyone to avoid him, especially when it comes to emotional issues. I don't regret spending the weekend with him at all. I fact, I enjoyed his company. I'm feeling much better this evening than I have in the last 4 days. I really hate being so moody. I guess the mood stabilizer I'm on isn't doing the trick.

Another day in the garden.

So, I worked on the garden again today. I finally got rid of those five prickly plants of doom, and I have a splinter under my fingernail to show for it. I don't even care about the splinter, I'm just happy that I'm one step closer to a beautiful garden. Another pat on the back for myself.

The day started out with me oversleeping. I thought I'd never wake up. I don't know why I was so tired. I just felt like staying in bed all day, so I had to force myself to do some dishes and go work on the garden. I'm so glad I did. I even got a phone call from one of the hospitals today. Unfortunately, no one got to the phone in time, but I'm certain they will call back.

Well, It's not exactly The Garden of Eden.

No, my garden is not perfect, or even close to it. It has been abandoned for a little over a year, but the weeds have not abandoned it. Hardly, it is so overgrown with grass and weeds, I barely know where to start. So, I broke out the weedkiller and the tiny garden claw and starting ripping out a bunch of the grass and weeds. I had to wait til evening, otherwise the heat and humidity is too consuming. I weeded for about 30 minutes, then I was exhausted. Left the rest for another day. I know 30 minutes doesn't sound like a lot of time to spend it the garden, but then again, weeding isn't exactly the kind of gardening I like to do. It is necessary though, before I can move on to the next phase, the planting of the beautiful flowers.

I feel like I need to pat myself on the back for this little bit of effort. For it is a task that I have been putting off for over a month. Since gardening is a hobby I enjoy greatly, it's about time I started doing something good for myself. Even if it is just a baby step in the right direction. Good job, Sharon. Do even more tomorrow.

Life is not all good

I want to hurt myself. I cannot stop thinking about it. My life is a mess and I don't have the perseverance to straighten it out. It gets worse every day. I can't help myself. I am hopeless. Someone please come take the pain away.

That's how I was feeling late last night. I go through such terrible mood swings. I ended up taking a handful of sleeping pills. I slept better that I do with just one pill, and I woke up. Not wanting to wake up, but I did regardless. Joe came over, we spent a good portion of the day in the pool playing with Joey. I had lots of fun, got a bit sunburned. Talked a lot with Joe. Now, my therapist says I shouldn't use him for emotional support, but that's all I've known for 22 years. Joe is the only one that can make me feel better, he can talk me down from my terrible moods. He is also a big stress in my life too. This is why I'm on the fence so much. So, I understand the logic of staying away from him emotionally, but who will I go to? I have a few acquaintances, but that's all. My parents don't know what to say when I'm feeling down. I feel bad for them, because I know they want so badly to know what to say.

Honestly, I don't know why anyone bothers with me. I'm such a mess, I probably have little hope for recovery. I know, I know, think positively. Well I'm positively miserable.

There may be hope for me yet!

This week hasn't been too bad so far. I missed group yesterday because I overslept, but at least I've been feeling better. No emotional breakdowns this week. The kids are all getting along really well. Marcus is becoming much more alert. Michelle took him for photos yesterday. I can't wait to see how they turned out. She spent a small fortune on them, so I hope they're good.

I've gotten calls from both Largo Medical Center and Mease Hospital, so that is good for my self esteem. In fact, I have a telephone interview with a recruiter from Mease today. It would be nice to work there because it's so close to home. No calls from any of the home health care places in applied for. I guess they're looking for experience in home health. That kind of stinks, because I'd love to try it out. I suppose I can keep trying even after I start working in a hospital.

It will be good for me to start working again. I don't like having to rely on Joe for money. I'm at his mercy. He won't pay the Verizon wireless bill, so none of the family has a phone now. That's not right! It was a big mistake to put him on my account. Now I have huge bills and he refuses to pay. He broke our deal. Like Val says, I need to distance myself from him. Not let him have control of any part of my life. It may take a while, but I'll get there. Boy, this time last year, I was in a good spot, but I let him get too involved in my life. Now look where I am! He is definitely poison to me.

What a terrible week!

My moods have been up and down like a yo-yo all week. When I say down, I mean on the verge of suicide. More than once this past week. Well, I decided to keep going to group therapy and Val seems like a good therapist. Yet another person to tell me to keep my distance from Joe. Sigh. I guess he is my poison. It makes me so sad to think about it, so I won't. I'm gonna keep thinking of good things. I saw "The Secret" this week, and it makes so much sense! Now to keep thinking positive. That is tricky when you're so depressed.
Dr Yason increased the dose of my Effexor when I told him about my mood swings. Steve, the nurse at PHP never gave me the prescription though! I tried to get it from him today, but he was too busy with some inspector or something. So now I won't get the extra dose until next week! I really should be more assertive when it comes to important things like this.
This very minute, Joe is IMing me about how he's the only one that gets any work done around the house. Should I listen or just ignore him? I've been told by nearly everyone to keep my distance, so I refuse to argue with him. Well, we both still agree on the divorce. Now if we could just get the paperwork going. Lets get this over with so I can go on with my life.

Back to Group Therapy Yesterday.

Ok, so I went back to group therapy. I have a new therapist this time around. I can't say that I like her, or anyone in the group for that matter. I may not go anymore. It's just frustrating going there and hearing the same old thing over and over. It's time for me to take charge of my life and start making decisions on my own. First on the agenda, get a job. That in itself will improve my self-esteem, thus making all other decision making easier. Forget the therapy, it's a waste. I know what I need to do to make my life better. Now I just need the courage to get them done. Therapy is doing nothing but bringing me down. Thanks for getting me in Joe, but I'm gonna pass on it.

It's hopeless

I hate everyone, especially myself. Everyone is against me. I can't do anything right. I just want to die. God, please, just kill me and make room for decent people. I'm never going to be like I was before. I'm just a shell of a person. I cannot even apply for a job without freaking out. Why is this happening to me? I used to do so much for so many for so long. Now, I am useless, washed up, a failure at everything in my life. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Good night.