Transition

I don't really feel so depressed anymore. I am just confused. Everything in my life right now is in a transitional phase. My marriage, my living arrangements, my job, my mental health are all in transition. Most of these transitions require a major decision to be made. I am not good with decisions, not at all. As my mental health improves, I've got to decide where do I want to live? Is it a good school district for the kids? Is it close enough to work? Where will I work? Will Joe be in the picture? How do I deal with Joe?

That is the toughest question, how DO I deal with Joe? As much as I'd love to reconcile with him. He remains angry and bitter, and always tries to rationalize his past mistakes. I'd say 75% of the time I am around him, I feel anxious and frustrated. Many times I feel suicidal after discussions with him. He refuses to see a doctor to get back on his medication, so he's angry quite a bit. Even if I decide to stay separated from him, how do I deal with him? Do I welcome him in my home, or keep him away? I just can't figure it out, and I know I frustrate him with my indecision.

Don't practice on me!

You know, there is a good reason medical doctors call what they do their practice. For an example of this, I'll go over the list of psychotropics I have been on in the past year or so.

First, when Christina was hospitalized, her therapist told me that it was clear from my behaviour that I was suffering from depression. At that point, yes I felt a bit depressed, but figured it was from the moves and the bad things going on in my life at that time. I was hesitant to seek medication for it. I went to my primary doctor and she gave me Ativan for my anxiety, and referred me to a therapist for his opinion on whether or not I needed antidepressants. Joe and I were at couples therapy for about 9 months before the therapist suggested antidepressants. By that time, I was severely depressed. I took an overdose of the Ativan and ended up in the Griffin Hospital psych ward. The doctor there took me off the Ativan and gave me Neurontin for anxiety and started me on Lexapro 20mg for depression. About a week after I got out of the hospital, I left Joe, Joey and Michelle behind and took Christina to live in Florida.

In Florida, I was doing fine with Christina. I was taking my Lexapro 20mg and never needed the Neurontin for anxiety. Enter Joe and the kids in June. My life turned upside-down again, and the stress went up, up, up. By the end of September, the stress was so bad, I took an overdose of my leftover Ativan and Neurontin. This time, I woke up in Memorial Hospital psych ward.
The new doctor kept me on Lexapro 20mg and added Wellbutrin 300mg and Ativan 0.5mg as needed. After several weeks, I wasn't feeling better, so he increased the Wellbutrin to 450mg. After a few weeks of the 450mg, I was feeling much better, but jittery. During that time, I took a long drive up North I-95. I missed my doctor's appointment and wasn't going to therapy. The doctor refused to refill any of my prescriptions. So I had to do something therapists and doctors tell you NEVER to do. I went off my psych meds cold turkey. Aside from the crippling headache and nausea, I did very well, for about a week.

After about a week off of the meds, the suicidal thoughts kept flooding my mind. "I guess I do still need to be on meds," I realized. My suicidal thoughts were disturbing Joe quite a bit, so he suggested I go into Springbrook Hospital voluntarilly. There I was told that 450mg of Wellbutrin was too high of a dose, especially if it was making me feel jittery. I was started on Cymbalta 300mg for depression, Ativan 1mg three times a day and Ambien 10mg for much needed sleep. After just one week, I reported increased suicidal ideation to both my therapist and doctor. The doctor said, I hadn't been on the Cymalta long enough for it to work yet, so give it more time. By the next week, I was still having increasing thoughts of suicide daily. I was in tears at group therapy, so the sent me straight back to Springbrook Hospital.

My doctor was on vacation and the doctor covering for him wasn't on that night, so I got to talk to his nurse practitioner. She was a very opinionated lady, but I liked the feedback I got from her. I described my situation to her and she patiently listened. She couldn't decide if I was bipolar or not. She took me off the Cymbalt, she said it never really works on any of her patients. I told her how I had felt good on the Lexapro/Wellbutrin combination, but she told me that if 450mg of Wellbutrin was needed to make me feel good, that was too much. I needed yet another combination. She put me on Effexor 150mg for depression. The next day, when the covering doctor was in, he increased the Effexor to 300mg and started me on Geodon 20mg. He told me not to worry that Geodon is used for Bipolar and Schizophrenia. He said he gave it to me to help the antidepressant work faster. He also told me to take my Ativan three times a day and not just as needed.

When my regular doctor came back, I questioned him about the manic feelings I was now having. I asked if it was a side effect of the Effexor. "Maybe," he said. I questioned whether or not I was Bipolar since I had been put on the Geodon. "That doctor likes to put everyone on Geodon," he said. "But since you're tolerating it, we won't discontinue it for now. It can help with angry outbursts." This conversation did nothing for my trust in psychiatric doctors. Do they really know what they're doing? **shiver** It's only my body I'm shoveling all this crap into, shouldn't I be concerned?

Well, by the roll of the dice, its two or three weeks later and I'm feeling very good. I still have a very short temper, but I'm getting outside and doing things instead of drawing the curtains and sleeping all day. There may be hope for me after all, Hope Springs Eternal.

That's enough!

Okay, once and for all I am dome with my stupid, ridiculous obsession with him. I've sent him apologies and he still refuses to respond to me. I must be crazy to continue this obsession. Joe is right, it's bad to obsess over things. Especially things you have no control of. I am trying to get rid of as much of my unhealthy behaviour as possible. This man frustrates the hell out of me. It's obvious there is no friendship to be spared. Thank you for listening to this little rant.

Feeling fine, feeling really fine!

I can't remember exactly how long I've been out of the hospital. My guess is around three weeks. Enough time for the new antidepressant to have kicked in. I can't say that I've felt depressed at all for the past few weeks. I have my bad moments, when I break down, but not the constant "I can't go on anymore" feeling. At times, I even feel a little on the manic side. Perhaps it only feels like mania to me because I've felt SO depressed for SO long. It feels good to feel normal. That's not to say that all the problems in my life are solved, of course. I just feel like I can slowly start to deal with them now.

First on the list, is getting back to work. I called my nurse manager and asked her if she wanted me to come back. She said "yes, of course we want you back!" So I filled out the online application as instructed by her. I was soon contacted by the nursing recruiter. I explained the situation to him, and he said he would call my manager and get back with me. I called my manager and she said she would call the recruiter and get back with me. So far, NO ONE has gotten back to me. I'm getting a little bit impatient with them, so I filled out some online applications to a few home health care companies. I already have an interview this Thursday at 2:00. If HCA can't get their act together, I may just take this job instead. I've been wanting to make a change and this could be the perfect opportunity. As soon as I start working again, I think my self esteem will get much better. I am meant to be a nurse, it's who I am, part of my identity.

Working will make me self reliant once again. I don't like having to lean on Joe for support. Even if I do have his kids under my roof. Speaking of Joe, my therapist "ripped me a new one" for spending time with him over the weekend. She doesn't think I should spend any time with him at all. I do want my independence, but that doesn't mean we have to be enemies. I guess I told her that Michelle and I need time away from him, but that doesn't mean he's not welcome in my home at all. She even told me in front of the group, "I'm not having any more family meetings for you, since you won't comply with my advice." That's a bit rude! It almost makes me want to quit group. I won't though, I need to finish therapy to keep getting the medication. Next choice is whether I should stay with this current Psych doctor or go back to Dr Feldman. There always has to be a difficult choice to make. Grrrrr.

I'm starting to feel a lot better.

Over the past few weeks, I think I am gradually beginning to feel better. I've been compliant with my medication, with the exception of not taking a sleeping pill every night. I've only had a few breakdowns, one of them while figuring out the taxes on the night of April 15. That would set anyone off in a panic attack. I dropped the F-bomb so many times, I think Dad would have kicked me out of the house if I'd said it one more time. What can I say? I get excitable. I've even felt manicy a few times. Although, my therapist says that could be a side-effect of Effexor, maybe.

I have been relatively productive this past week. I emailed my resume to Oak Hill, partially prepared taxes, sorted through some old clothes, brought Michelle to get her Military ID, and she got to the doctor finally. I've kept busy, and it feels good to be productive. It's probably best that I start working again. The only bad part of going back to work soon, is that I won't have much time to spend with Michelle and Marcus. They will be leaving before too long. It seems like I have to struggled to make every single decision. Maybe that's why part of me likes having Joe to take charge and control things. Only, he takes it to extreme. See, I'm on the fence with that decision too. The next big decision is deciding whether or not to renew my lease at this apartment. The rent only went up $15, and I'd get a free month's rent. Joey would be able to stay here with his new friends. If I stayed in Weeki Wachee, I could live rent free and save a lot of money, but the school stinks up in Hernando County.

I don't really feel like writing a lot tonight. I just thought I'd give a quick update of the latest events. My friend Barbie went back into Springbrook on Monday. Bummer, I hope she starts to feel better. She's so very lonely. That cutie Camille skipped out on therapy today to see Tom Jones in concert. She says she's loved him since 'way' back. It was sweet of her son to buy the tickets for her. She's a doll, with a creep for a husband.

Speaking of husbands, Joe should be arriving any time now. I'm not sure what the plan is for this weekend, but Joelyn says she's gonna kick his ass if he doesn't leave Michelle alone. Hehehe. If only I had her balls.

Lesson learned

Well, I've always hated things left up on the dashboard of the car. I don't like the way they go back and forth every time you turn. For some odd reason, I had my cell phone on the dash, with the windows open, no less. I made a U-turn and the damn thing went flying right out the window. I pulled over, and Michelle made a mad dash for it. Before she could pick it up, some credant with an SUV thought it would be cute to run over it. What else could I do, but laugh?
So that's what I did, I laughed. I got the last laugh too, because I ended up buying myself a Blackberry Storm, sweet!

Feedback would be a nice thing.

Well, I was hoping for some feedback to my Obsession post. So far, all I got was "Its not good to obsessive over things," from Joe. Well duh! So how can I stop obsessing? It's clear as day that he wants nothing to do with me, so how do I force myself to stop obsessing. I need concrete ideas. Should I just not use the computer for a month? That would kill me. It just pisses me off so much. Why can't he just be my friend? I get the feeling he is making fun of me. I know this sounds paranoid. I guess you can only choose your friends to some extent.

Basically, the point of this latest blog is that I'd like some feedback. It's fine and dandy that you read my blogs, now leave some feedback. Yes, I know I am sensitive to feedback, but I need it. Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. If there's anything I could use right now, it's sincere honesty. I'm not asking anyone to make decisions for me, only steer me in the right direction. My head is clouded now, and I'm making poor decisions, so tell me when I'm doing something detrimental to my overall health, please.

I'm so confused

I am so confused right now. I don't know what direction to go. I know my life needs changes, but what? So many things are about to change anyway. Michelle and Marcus will be leaving in June. School is over in June. My lease for this overpriced apartment is up in June. So where should I move? Who should move in with me? Should I go to West Palm Beach with Joe? Should I stay here and be alone for the summer? My head is spinning.

Should I go back to work yet? Part of me wants to go back, but part of me is uncertain that I'm ready. I certainly need the income, but I don't want to push myself into a relapse of this depression. I am feeling much better in the last few weeks. I did have a breakdown in group yesterday. Camille was discussing how her husband has treated her for 36 years. Joelyn called in battered wife syndrome. Joe is no where near that evil, but he does have his fits of rage sometimes. It just makes me so unsure of what to do. I would like to stay together and work through things, but his anger scares me.

Michelle started having labor pains yesterday. This baby is coming soon. I can't wait to see him. I know I'm going to breakdown when Michelle leaves. I cry just thinking about it. She's just a baby herself to me. I am scared for her.

My Obsession

I'd be the first to admit that I'm addicted to the Internet. I probably have been for a long time. However, ever since I've fallen into this deep depression, I've had an even more troublesome addiction. I'm am obsessed with a particular website, or more precisely the owner of the website. What makes it worse, is that I haven't been working, giving me much too much time on my hands. Making my obsession even worse.

It started during the last semester of school, when Christina was taking German in class. We planned on going on the school trip to Germany. This sounded exciting to me, since I missed out of the trip to Italy with Michelle. So, I started exploring German websites, hoping to practice my three years of high school German. I found an interesting site, complete with 24 hour web cam. I started watching his web cam and watching his YouTube videos. He seems to have a very funny and quirky personality that I liked. I started reading his blogs, with the help of a translator. I even left several comments. I'm certain that my comments sounded silly to him since even with translator for help, its difficult to fully understand some of what is being said on the blog. I felt uncomfortable leaving comments on the blog for that reason, so I started following him on Twitter.

I left several messages for him there, but the only one that really seemed to get his attention was the one that said I was attracted to him. Well, I am attracted to him, but that wasn't my objective of talking to him. He asked my to join him on MSN, so we could chat there. He noticed that I had a web cam. "Let's try it" he said. Well, Joe's always telling me to try new things, so I tried it. I found out that I am much to insecure for web cam sex. I'm sure he was disappointed. Since then, whenever I have tried to talk to him, he treats me like a nagging exwife. Geez, all I really wanted was to talk to him about anything and everything. I think we have the same quirky personality. I think it would be fun to just talk to him. I'd love to just be pen pals and share fun stories with him. I guess he wants no part of that, sadly.

So anyway, now I'm obsessed with him. I can't get myself to stop visiting his website and watching him. Yes, I do find him attractive, but I really only want to talk to him. Now, he has me blocked so I can't leave messages to him. This really makes me sad, since I only wanted a friend. I guess I took the wrong approach, but how do I fix that now. He thinks I'm some mad stalker or something. I think it's too late. He seems to hate me now. I guess the intellegent thing to do, would be to move on. That's much easier said than done. Well, his website is one of the sites at the bottom of this blog. Check it out and see what you think.

Another Busy Weekend.

It seems as though the busier I keep myself, the better I feel during the day, and the better I sleep through the night. This makes complete sense. It's just that, until last week, I never felt like even getting dresses for the day, let alone get out and do something constructive. I going to remain positive and say that this is a sign that I am starting to recover. I must remain cautious, because its only week two since the last med change.

Well, this was a busy weekend, indeed. It started on Friday when I left my PHP (Post Hospital Program) early to meet my parents and Patty for our weekly lunch. I like this little routine, and I think its a good way to keep in contact with the family. Otherwise, it might just be the occasional phone call and that would be it. I know this from the past. When I first moved back to Florida ten years ago, my parents lived maybe two miles away, but I rarely saw them or even received phone calls. I believe this was their way of "not interfering." I would have preferred for them to call and visit more often. They know this now, so this is probably one of things that started this weekly ritual.

Back to my busy weekend. After having a delicious lunch at Country Pizza Inn, we drove over to see Patty's new apartment. As we were there, we were discussing each other's furniture and how this would be better there and that would be better here, etc. All this would require moving furniture between four different houses. "Let's wait until tomorrow," most of them said. Being the newly 'medication induced' ambitious one of the crowd. Of course, I ofter to get things started right away. After all, it was only 2:00 in the afternoon. Plenty of time to beat rush hour. First, I had to drive up to Weeki Wachee to get the trailer. Then we drove to my apartment, loaded my dining room set, and brought it to Nicole's new apartment. Once that was unloaded, we loaded the slate pub table she was borrowing and brought it back to Patty's place. Then, to make room in Patty's dining room, we loaded her baker's cabinet and brought it to my place. I've always loved that cabinet. Now, everyone had the furniture they wanted, and all were happy. Boy, did I sleep well that night. I don't even think I took a sleeping pill.

Saturday was another long day. I think I woke up later than intended, around 9am. Joe and I drove up to Weeki Wachee to drop off a car. On the way, I stopped at the store to pick up Birthday gifts for Dylan and Mom. I wrapped them both, and we quickly headed back to Tampa. I took Michelle and Christina (big mistake) and was on my way to Dylan's birthday party. I had no idea what time it was or what time the party was, but I kept getting phone calls while I was driving, so either Michelle or Christina would talk to whoever it was calling. Well, this lead to a corruption in the communication. I arrived to Dylan's birthday party, only to discover that it was over. This lead to and angry outburst, Sharon style. This did not make Christina happy at all. She grabbed my phone and called her father to come get her. Now its not like she's never seen my have an angry outburst, but suddenly she's a delicate little flower, RIGHT! Now I headed back to Patty's house, where she was watching Dylan while his mother worked. We brought in the presents, he seemed to enjoy his, she seemed to be pleased with hers. All was right in the world again...until Joe called. He wanted to talk to Christina. "Yes," she said, "I still want you to come get me!" She said this even though I had apologized to her for my upsetting her with my outburst. Whatever! At first, Patty didn't seem to be too pleased about letting Joe know where she lives, but she agreed to it. He arrived and we all had a nice family discussion about relationships and different points of view. It went surprisingly well. I sort of like having Patty as an Alie when discussing certain things with Joe. It was nice having me, Joe and all the kids together at the same time without any fighting. This is a rarity for sure.

Sunday, the Renaissance Festival. We've been to several of these over the years and they can be lots of fun. The whole family went, and we even met up with Patty and her friends for a little while. Michelle and Christina were dressed up in costume. I think everyone enjoyed themselves. The girls all had tarot cards read. We watched the part of the Chess game and the Jousting match. Michelle and I got temporary tattoos. I'm not really sure what the boys did, since we were separated most of the time. The downside of it all; it's hot, it's crowded, it's expensive, and we always lose each other. We finally found each other at the Pirate stage, next to the exit. We were all exhausted and ready to leave. Christina starts in with her "thanks for pushing me" bullshit that she does. God forbid your arm touch hers when you walk next to her. Well, for some reason, this put me in a REALLY bad mood. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. One the drive there, Joe, Joey and Christina were all giving Michelle a hard time. Just all four of them being rude and crude back and forth. Hearing this stuff, just breaks my heart. It makes me realize that we will NEVER be a whole happy family again. I went into a rage, and Christina kept looking over towards Joe. That made me feel ever worse. It used to be me protecting her from him, now its the other way around. I don't like how she manipulates everyone. I started crying on the way home. This is the first time I have cried in over a week. Damn. I think I need to stay away from her. It's good that she lives with Melonese. She disrupts this family WAY too much. I love her, but I hate to be around her. Her negativity is like a contagious viral disease, nothing you can do to make it go away. Just ride out the storm. Yuck, no thank you. I'm in recovery, I don't need it.