Monday, March 30, 2009

Great Weekend!!

I have been feeling very good these last few days. Joe and I had a great weekend together. We accomplished quite a bit. It feels good to be doing something productive for a change. I hope this feeling doesn't go away. It has to be the medication. Time will tell.

On Saturday, we drove up to Weeki Wachee and put up most of the privacy fence. Most importantly, we put up the front. After we got the fence up, we both planted gardens. I planted a flower garden in front of the fence, complete with solar nightlights. Gardenias, azaleas, desert rose, a blueberry bush and a grape vine. Joe planted a few trees and several vegetables in the back yard. This took us almost all day. Luckily, we had a good downpour so, we didn't need to water the plants in the morning.

Sunday, we had a late start. We had originally planned on going to a geocaching event in Fort De Soto, but it started earlier than we thought. The weather wasn't the best either, so we decided not to go. Joe did some work on the transmission of the red Geo Metro. Later we cleaned and organized the house. We loaded a dresser, nightstand, two end tables and a rocking chair onto the trailer and brought them home to Tampa. Now the only thing needed is Grandma's couch for the living room. We ran out of time to get that. I will try to get it on Monday.

We finally put up the baby's portacrib. Michelle seems to be depressed lately. I wonder if it's because she's getting nervous about having the baby or maybe she misses Kelvin. It could also be the fact that she's not getting along with Joe. Maybe its all of these things. I will have to try and cheer her up, or see if she will let me know what's bothering her. She stays at home inside all the time, and that worries me, it's a sign of depression. Maybe having the baby will get her motivated to start being more active. She should be nesting by now.

I am hoping to have a good week. I am feeling much better and hopefully I can get out and do things with Michelle, Christina and Joey. I haven't been spending enough time with them lately and I am feeling bad about that. I think they understand that I've been depressed though. Time to make it up to them. It's about time!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Post six day stay at Springbrook Hospital

I am feeling much better now. Isn't it amazing what the proper medications can do? This latest adventure started last Friday morning at my PHP (Post Hospitalization Program) group. Joe advised me to be completely honest with my feelings, so I let the therapist know that my thoughts of suicide had been becoming more frequent. She thought is was best to place me back into the hospital. I went voluntarily, I'm certain they would have Baker Acted me otherwise.

This stay was very productive. I started out my day there in admissions. It took forever,but while I was there I met Dee. Dee and I ended up being good friend while there. We had a couple of things in common, but I can't say we looked a lot alike. For some strange reason, many people got our names confused. Maybe because we came in at the same time, or maybe because we were together all the time. Either way, she was my pal, and I was greatful to have someone like her around while I was there.

Another thing I learned while there was how badly being on the wrong medication can effect you. I spoke to a Nurse Practitioner before actually speaking to the doctor. She told me that the Cymbalta that I had been taking rarely ever works. Not only that, she was certain that it was the cause of my increasing thoughts of suicide. I haven't taken it since Thursday night, and I haven't thought of suicide since then. Now I've been taking Effexor (an antidepressant) and Geodon (an antipsychotic). My doctor assured my that the Geodon was given to me to aid in the effectiveness of the anti depressants. Joe likes to joke around and say i'm bipolar. My diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder recurrent NOT Bipolar Disorder.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Something is wrong with them...

Well, it's past midnight and I'm still up again. This is no big surprise, because I have been suffering from insomnia for the last two or three years. Now, whether this is because I worked the night shift for ten years or because I am deeply depressed, I do not know, but it's a pain in the rear. If I take a sleeping pill, once I finally fall asleep it's difficult for me to wake up. If I force myself to wake up, then I will be exhausted. If I don't take a sleeping pill, it will take me until around 4am to fall asleep. Forget trying to wake me up before noon. As much as this bothers me, it is not the purpose of this latest post. Laying in bed trying to sleep makes my mind wander, and I started to think about something that has really been bothering me for the past several days.

My parents left for Biloxi Mississippi this past Monday. Since I've been so depressed and suicidal lately, they asked me if I had a problem with them leaving town for the week. "I don't have a problem with you leaving town, but you should know that my rent is still late and eviction is eminent." It seems as though my Mom only heard the first half of my statement, because she started to go on and on about their upcoming trip to Biloxi. I had to, I just HAD to hang up on her. I don't if she's going senile or if she just doesn't care if I get evicted. What I want to know is this...what kind of parents can go to a casino and waste money while their child and grandchildren are about to be evicted? Am I being oversensitive here? I don't think so.

Maybe I am being too hard on them. It's not their fault I have no money right now. I've been on Medical leave since December and my short term disabilty money is gone. My sick time is all used up. I don't know what else to do, I am most definitely not ready to go back to work. I am still seriously depressed and suicidal. Joe has been trying to help me out, but he goes on spending sprees and cannot be relied upon. Still, I though I had a supportive family, I guess I don't.

There's another thing that confuses me about my parents. Before I was discharged from the hospital, the therapist spoke with my father. He agreed to monitor my medications and limit my access to Ativan. Well, he hasn't done either. I have been taking my medications okay, but I have about 100mg of Ativan available to me. It would be very easy for my to take an overdose of Ativan. In fact, I almost did last night. Instead, I made some phone calls and spoke to some friends.

Hopefully, I will continue to utilize my friends for support and use other coping mechanisms when I become hopeless, because my family obviously isn't there for me. End of rant.

Welcome!! The First Day of Spring!

Finally, spring has arrived. This is an encouraging time of year for me, since spring signifies a new beginning. This is clearly something I need, a new beginning. It's been a long time coming.

March has not been a good month for me. It started off with a seven day hospital stay for suicidal ideation. This is the third time I've been hospitalized in just over a year. Obviously, the medications are not working. I must take part of the blame for my lack of recovery. I should have been following up hospitalization with therapy. I obviously thought I could recover with out group or private therapy, I was wrong.

This time, I started group therapy the week after I was released from the hospital. Group therapy has its ups and downs, but overall, I think it is helpful. A good thing about therapy is that I get to see how much better off I am than a lot of these people. I mean, some of these poor folks probably have very little hope for recovery. The bad part of this is that it falsely made me feel like I was okay. I'm not okay. I am still seriously depressed, full of anxiety, and suicidal at the drop of a hat. I've told the psychiatrist and therapists, they say I haven't been on my new meds long enough to make a change. I guess they are okay with me being suicidal? Weird.

Oh yeah, and I haven't paid my rent yet this month. I'm most likely going to be evicted any day now. Woohoo! It would have been paid, but Joe told me to go to California last month and "Don't worry about money, just have fun." In retrospect, I was wrong to assume that he meant he had the rent covered. Too late to worry about that now. At least I have Weeki Wachee to fall back is Joey going to get to school every day? Where are Michelle and the baby going to stay for the next two months. Wahhh!

Well, spring has arrived, and spring is a time for hope. I will try my best to stay as positive as I can. Everyone keeps telling me, "this too shall pass." I hope so. As long as I can keep myself from being impulsive and swallowing a bottle full of ativan, I think I have a great chance for recovery.