6 months later...

I can't believe it's been 6 months since I've written in this blog. Many things have changed.
I really, really, really, really, really hated that job at the hospital. I knew I would too. I dreaded every morning I had to wake up and go to that job. It is such a poorly organized place.

I have since left that job and started a brand new job as a nurse reviewer. It's not even in a clinical setting, but that's probably a good thing. I could use a break. I truly am burned out of nursing. I'm sure after a while, I will miss working directly with patients. For now, I will enjoy reviewing Medicaid cases, and sitting at a computer all day.

I still haven't found a new psychiatrist. It is so frustrating that I've given up. I have managed to stay on my medication, at least for the most part. I did stop taking my wellbutrin and lexapro for about two weeks. I could feel the anger building up inside, so I decided to start taking them again.

I would say, overall, I feel much better than I did six months ago. I still stay at home most of the time that I'm not working. That really needs to change. I feel like I am wasting my life away, but staying home so much. I need to get out and enjoy life. Will someone come and drag me out of the house?

Life goes on

I've been back at work for almost 2 months now. It's very busy work and I am exhausted by the end of the day, but it keeps my mind occupied. Everyone was right. I don't feel so depressed anymore now that I am working again.
It's nice to have money again, but I was stupid enough to let Joe use my Visa check card. Big mistake! He took $700!!! When will I ever learn?
I haven't seen a pdoc in over 2 months now. I missed an appointment last month and when I called to reschedule, they told me that due to my noncompliance I need to find a new doctor. Nice!! I am sooo tempted to just stop taking my meds again, but that didn't work out so well when I did that in February. I convinced my primary doctor to give me enough meds until I can find a new pdoc.
I haven't really been online much these last 2 months either. I haven't missed much, I have wasted way too much time on the Internet. I am glad I started this blog, however. It's been a great outlet. Until next time, life goes on.

I got a job!

I finally got a job. I'm kind of excited about it. Its the hospital I left 4 years ago to move to San Diego. They've made a lot of improvements since I left. Best of all, the day shift only take 5 patients. That is great, I was still taking 7 at my last job, and that was day shift! It's about time I start making some money again.

Two negatives equal a positive.

This week I'm not alone. Christina is staying with me. We were supposed to get her driver's license, but it turned out that you need to schedule an appointment to take the road test. She'll have to wait until next Tuesday.
It's good for the two of us to spend some quality time together. I'm still not sure how I feel about the kids living with their father, but maybe I do need some time to myself to get my mind back in order. Time for just me, and only me. It certainly can't hurt. Or can it? Is it good to be alone? I don't plan on isolating myself, in fact, I was thinking of moving into the same apartment complex that my sister lives in.
I've also thought about living up in Weeki Wachee if I don't find a job in the next week or two. Now, way up there, I would be isolated from my family, but closer to some friends. Free room and board. Good Lord, I hate making decisions. I hate searching for employment too. Who ever knew if would be so difficult to find a nursing job? I guess thinks are tough all over.
Part of me wonders if I'm even ready to go back to work. Will I be able to handle the stress? My therapist and doctor seem to want me to work. I think it's more of a test to them, to see if I can handle the stress. I'll say one thing, all these job rejections aren't doing wonders for my low self esteem.
"If you don't like how you're feeling, then change how you're thinking." I've heard this quote so much lately, you'd think it would be ingrained into my brain by now. I've got to start thinking positively. Think of a positive reason for everything that happens, instead of being so negative all the time. Lets try it! I probably didn't get that Home Health Care job I've been wanting so badly. Positive swing: it's because there is an even more ideal job out there that I haven't found yet. How was that? Is it believable? Most importantly, I have to believe it. I'll keep trying.

Alone again, naturally.

It's been over a week since I've updated my blog. For those of you wondering where I've been, I spent five days in the hospital last week for another overdose. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. My life gets worse every time I do it. It's just that when I become suicidal, it comes on sudden, I get impulsive and do very stupid things. My daughter called 911 and they came within minutes. I can't describe how humiliating it was to be taken away on a stretcher while still fully conscious. I saw my daughter's face as the carried me off...how could I do this to her...again?

My husband decided it was in the kids' best interest to take them to West Palm Beach, where he lives, until I fully recover. I can't say that I disagree with him. I haven't exactly been an ideal parent in these past nine months since my initial overdose. I can't help but feel like a failure as a mother to have my kids taken away. "Unfit mother," God! I never thought those words would describe me. I do feel grateful that my husband is taking them and not the state.

Michelle, my oldest daughter, moved away with my grandson on Monday. I have mixed feelings on her departure. She's 18 and married, so it was only a matter of time before she left anyway. I'm almost certain that my less than predictable behavior was responsible for her decision to move now, instead of in September. She didn't simply move out of the house, she moved from Florida to California, so it's not like I can drop in on her anytime. I won't get to see Marcus as he grows, other that through photos. **cry**

Rather than stay in the big empty house, I've been staying with my parents. I think they like having my close, so they can keep an eye on me. My father and I take our pills together. I almost take as many as he does...and he's got a heart condition!

A single gardenia.

In my garden today is a single beautiful gardenia. I had thought the gardenias had stop blooming for the season, but there it is. To me, its like a symbol of hope. Just when you think nothing in life is going right, a single gardenia blooms to show me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to be okay. It just may take a little time to sort my life out, but it will be sorted out. I'm going to survive. Thank you, little gardenia flower, for reminding me.

My job search

My job search is becoming more productive in the past few days. I had an interview with a home care company yesterday. It went well. They just have to check my references and then I should hear back from them. It would be the most awesome, perfect job for me. For backup, I have interviews at two hospitals next week. One of them being the hospital I worked at for seven years, and the interview is with my old manager. I'm very certain I would get hired there. So now, I might have to decide where to work for a change. I could do part time at both places until I know for sure that I like home care nursing. Now I'm being over confident. I better stop that.

I keep oversleeping this week. I've missed my group therapy two days this week due to over sleeping. That's not good, I really need to keep going. I have a lot of guilt inside for some of the choices I've made in the last couple of years. I feel like I've been a terrible mother. On one of my job applications, it asked if you've ever been investigated by the state for child abuse or neglect. Well yes, in Connecticut, DCS accused me of child neglect for not leaving my abusive husband. I tried to appeal it, but it still stands. So I suppose if someone does a background check, it will show a record of child neglect. It's pure bullshit really. I was trying to keep my family together during difficult times, I wasn't neglecting Christina.

When I finally did leave Joe, I took Christina and left the other two kids behind. So I feel guilty about leaving them behind, but I thought it was in their best interest to finish the school year. They had been moved around so much in the past few years. Now I feel bad that I left at all. I feel like I stole Michelle's senior year from her. She would have stayed in school and graduated with all her friends if I hadn't left. On the other hand, I would have still been neglecting Christina by not protecting her from her father. I guess it was a no win situation. No wonder I had a nervous breakdown.

Today Michelle is mad at me because I didn't go get flour for her to make gravy. She says she's not going to cook anymore. Now, I don't feel guilty for having her cook and I don't feel guilty about not getting flour. I was dressed for bed already and it was raining outside, and you don't have to have gravy. Grrrrrr! She doesn't go to school and she doesn't work, so no, I don't feel bad that she cooks all the time. She likes cooking and I don't anymore. She can do her part around the house, she is 18. I feel guilty enough about so much, but I'm not going to let this bother me.