Something is wrong with them...

Well, it's past midnight and I'm still up again. This is no big surprise, because I have been suffering from insomnia for the last two or three years. Now, whether this is because I worked the night shift for ten years or because I am deeply depressed, I do not know, but it's a pain in the rear. If I take a sleeping pill, once I finally fall asleep it's difficult for me to wake up. If I force myself to wake up, then I will be exhausted. If I don't take a sleeping pill, it will take me until around 4am to fall asleep. Forget trying to wake me up before noon. As much as this bothers me, it is not the purpose of this latest post. Laying in bed trying to sleep makes my mind wander, and I started to think about something that has really been bothering me for the past several days.

My parents left for Biloxi Mississippi this past Monday. Since I've been so depressed and suicidal lately, they asked me if I had a problem with them leaving town for the week. "I don't have a problem with you leaving town, but you should know that my rent is still late and eviction is eminent." It seems as though my Mom only heard the first half of my statement, because she started to go on and on about their upcoming trip to Biloxi. I had to, I just HAD to hang up on her. I don't if she's going senile or if she just doesn't care if I get evicted. What I want to know is this...what kind of parents can go to a casino and waste money while their child and grandchildren are about to be evicted? Am I being oversensitive here? I don't think so.

Maybe I am being too hard on them. It's not their fault I have no money right now. I've been on Medical leave since December and my short term disabilty money is gone. My sick time is all used up. I don't know what else to do, I am most definitely not ready to go back to work. I am still seriously depressed and suicidal. Joe has been trying to help me out, but he goes on spending sprees and cannot be relied upon. Still, I though I had a supportive family, I guess I don't.

There's another thing that confuses me about my parents. Before I was discharged from the hospital, the therapist spoke with my father. He agreed to monitor my medications and limit my access to Ativan. Well, he hasn't done either. I have been taking my medications okay, but I have about 100mg of Ativan available to me. It would be very easy for my to take an overdose of Ativan. In fact, I almost did last night. Instead, I made some phone calls and spoke to some friends.

Hopefully, I will continue to utilize my friends for support and use other coping mechanisms when I become hopeless, because my family obviously isn't there for me. End of rant.