Life is not all good

I want to hurt myself. I cannot stop thinking about it. My life is a mess and I don't have the perseverance to straighten it out. It gets worse every day. I can't help myself. I am hopeless. Someone please come take the pain away.

That's how I was feeling late last night. I go through such terrible mood swings. I ended up taking a handful of sleeping pills. I slept better that I do with just one pill, and I woke up. Not wanting to wake up, but I did regardless. Joe came over, we spent a good portion of the day in the pool playing with Joey. I had lots of fun, got a bit sunburned. Talked a lot with Joe. Now, my therapist says I shouldn't use him for emotional support, but that's all I've known for 22 years. Joe is the only one that can make me feel better, he can talk me down from my terrible moods. He is also a big stress in my life too. This is why I'm on the fence so much. So, I understand the logic of staying away from him emotionally, but who will I go to? I have a few acquaintances, but that's all. My parents don't know what to say when I'm feeling down. I feel bad for them, because I know they want so badly to know what to say.

Honestly, I don't know why anyone bothers with me. I'm such a mess, I probably have little hope for recovery. I know, I know, think positively. Well I'm positively miserable.