Uh oh!

Ok, so my last day of group therapy was Tuesday. While I was in group, Joe sent me a text message saying that we don't qualify for refinancing on the house. So of course, I break down and start crying. Clearly, I'm not ready to leave group therapy, but insurance says otherwise. So I left group that day, and received lots of hugs and support from most of the folks.

Since then, I've been having a terrible time. I break down at the drop of a hat. This is so not good. I've even felt suicidal at times. The last thing I need is to go back to the hospital right now. I'm supposed to be getting better. I take my medication as directed. I just wish I had some direction to move. I don't know where I'll be living in three months. I wish I could just get this divorce and bankruptcy over and done with. I don't feel like I can work right now, that would push me over the edge.

I'm starting to think Joe should take the kids. I just can't handle the stress of them anymore. I know this is a shitty thing for a mother to say, but I just don't think I can get well with them around. I'm too messed up in the head to be responsible for them. This makes me sad, but its for the best.

I am a failure as a mother, a failure as a wife and a failure in life for that matter. I should be locked up and sent away never to be seen from again. I hate myself!

I'll make this a quick update

This has to be a quicky, because I don't know how long I can rely on this unsecured network. Luckilly, Verizon will be installing DSL and FIOS TV. I can hardly wait.

It's been quit an adventure living back in the house. Just being in the house itself is exciting enough, but the Marcus came along at the very same time. Lots of stress, enough stress to send me spiraling down into depression again. They say even good stress can affect you. Well, having Marcus and being in the house are good stressors, but there are still plenty of bad ones too.

When we had the water turned on, there was a virtual water fountain in the pool bath. I turned the water to that toilet off right away and bought parts to fix it, but never got around to it. Joey continues to use it regardless. I've asked him to at least pour a bucket of water in to flush it down that way, but you know how boys listen to their mothers. Not very well. Well, I finally fixed it after today's events.

Christina comes home from school and reports that her toilet is leaking water, the hall carpet is wet and all the smoke alarms in the house are going off. Joe told her over the phone how to turn the toilet off. So I come home to all the smoke alarms blaring, and water leaking through Joey's ceiling. **sigh** I disconnected the smoke alarm in Joey's room and the rest of them went off. I had Christina wet vac the hall carpet and I dried off the ceiling as best I could. This prompted me to repair Joey's toilet. Now I just need to get parts for Christina's toilet.

All this excitement was just today. There has been lots more excitement. I shall go into more detail when I get a more secure network. Ta ta for now.

The past week.

Several things have happened over this last week. The most important being the move back into the house. It is a great thing for the family. Everyone seems so happy about it. I dread thinking about getting denied for refinancing. What will become of us all then. I know it is something that I can accept, but I'm not sure about Joey or Christina.

I'm going to spend the next two months enjoying my house and working in my garden and doing some much needed inner healing. If we are forced to move, I will at least have my closure on this subject. It's something that has been eating away at me for four years now. To come back to the house and find it so neglected is a difficult thing to deal with also. All I can do is move forward and do my best to clean up the mess.

Michelle is finally in labor. Soon Marcus will be born, and soon after he's born, they will both be moving away. Words cannot describe how much this will hurt. I plan on enjoying every second I have to spend with the two of them. I can always go and visit them.

I was sitting outside on the porch of the house yesterday and the kids were all gone. I felt so alone sitting there. Not just alone, lonely. I was never friends with any of the neighbors before, so I don't expect to be friends with any of them now, but wouldn't it be a nice thing? I really need a good friend, someone like Jeana. I miss her so much. I'm making myself cry. I need to stop, this is supposed to be a happy day.

May 1st

OK, it's finally May, but where is Marcus? I guess Michelle was right when figuring out her due date. What do doctors know? Pffffttt. I am soooo anxious to see him. I can hardly wait any longer. I am done with being upset at being a grandmother. In fact, now I'm excited to be one. Babies are so much fun. A lot of work, yes, but fun, fun, fun. Michelle sees the doctor this afternoon, so we'll see what he says about induction. She is ready to get him out for sure.

Oh, I am sad that I miss group this morning. I overslept, and I was supposed to be there for Dan's last day. Sorry Dan! I wonder how much time I have left in group? It's really helpful. I am feeling soooo much better, but I doubt I would be if I didn't go to group every week. I have a feeling that my life is going to start getting a lot better real soon. Hopefully, I am right.

Transition

I don't really feel so depressed anymore. I am just confused. Everything in my life right now is in a transitional phase. My marriage, my living arrangements, my job, my mental health are all in transition. Most of these transitions require a major decision to be made. I am not good with decisions, not at all. As my mental health improves, I've got to decide where do I want to live? Is it a good school district for the kids? Is it close enough to work? Where will I work? Will Joe be in the picture? How do I deal with Joe?

That is the toughest question, how DO I deal with Joe? As much as I'd love to reconcile with him. He remains angry and bitter, and always tries to rationalize his past mistakes. I'd say 75% of the time I am around him, I feel anxious and frustrated. Many times I feel suicidal after discussions with him. He refuses to see a doctor to get back on his medication, so he's angry quite a bit. Even if I decide to stay separated from him, how do I deal with him? Do I welcome him in my home, or keep him away? I just can't figure it out, and I know I frustrate him with my indecision.

Don't practice on me!

You know, there is a good reason medical doctors call what they do their practice. For an example of this, I'll go over the list of psychotropics I have been on in the past year or so.

First, when Christina was hospitalized, her therapist told me that it was clear from my behaviour that I was suffering from depression. At that point, yes I felt a bit depressed, but figured it was from the moves and the bad things going on in my life at that time. I was hesitant to seek medication for it. I went to my primary doctor and she gave me Ativan for my anxiety, and referred me to a therapist for his opinion on whether or not I needed antidepressants. Joe and I were at couples therapy for about 9 months before the therapist suggested antidepressants. By that time, I was severely depressed. I took an overdose of the Ativan and ended up in the Griffin Hospital psych ward. The doctor there took me off the Ativan and gave me Neurontin for anxiety and started me on Lexapro 20mg for depression. About a week after I got out of the hospital, I left Joe, Joey and Michelle behind and took Christina to live in Florida.

In Florida, I was doing fine with Christina. I was taking my Lexapro 20mg and never needed the Neurontin for anxiety. Enter Joe and the kids in June. My life turned upside-down again, and the stress went up, up, up. By the end of September, the stress was so bad, I took an overdose of my leftover Ativan and Neurontin. This time, I woke up in Memorial Hospital psych ward.
The new doctor kept me on Lexapro 20mg and added Wellbutrin 300mg and Ativan 0.5mg as needed. After several weeks, I wasn't feeling better, so he increased the Wellbutrin to 450mg. After a few weeks of the 450mg, I was feeling much better, but jittery. During that time, I took a long drive up North I-95. I missed my doctor's appointment and wasn't going to therapy. The doctor refused to refill any of my prescriptions. So I had to do something therapists and doctors tell you NEVER to do. I went off my psych meds cold turkey. Aside from the crippling headache and nausea, I did very well, for about a week.

After about a week off of the meds, the suicidal thoughts kept flooding my mind. "I guess I do still need to be on meds," I realized. My suicidal thoughts were disturbing Joe quite a bit, so he suggested I go into Springbrook Hospital voluntarilly. There I was told that 450mg of Wellbutrin was too high of a dose, especially if it was making me feel jittery. I was started on Cymbalta 300mg for depression, Ativan 1mg three times a day and Ambien 10mg for much needed sleep. After just one week, I reported increased suicidal ideation to both my therapist and doctor. The doctor said, I hadn't been on the Cymalta long enough for it to work yet, so give it more time. By the next week, I was still having increasing thoughts of suicide daily. I was in tears at group therapy, so the sent me straight back to Springbrook Hospital.

My doctor was on vacation and the doctor covering for him wasn't on that night, so I got to talk to his nurse practitioner. She was a very opinionated lady, but I liked the feedback I got from her. I described my situation to her and she patiently listened. She couldn't decide if I was bipolar or not. She took me off the Cymbalt, she said it never really works on any of her patients. I told her how I had felt good on the Lexapro/Wellbutrin combination, but she told me that if 450mg of Wellbutrin was needed to make me feel good, that was too much. I needed yet another combination. She put me on Effexor 150mg for depression. The next day, when the covering doctor was in, he increased the Effexor to 300mg and started me on Geodon 20mg. He told me not to worry that Geodon is used for Bipolar and Schizophrenia. He said he gave it to me to help the antidepressant work faster. He also told me to take my Ativan three times a day and not just as needed.

When my regular doctor came back, I questioned him about the manic feelings I was now having. I asked if it was a side effect of the Effexor. "Maybe," he said. I questioned whether or not I was Bipolar since I had been put on the Geodon. "That doctor likes to put everyone on Geodon," he said. "But since you're tolerating it, we won't discontinue it for now. It can help with angry outbursts." This conversation did nothing for my trust in psychiatric doctors. Do they really know what they're doing? **shiver** It's only my body I'm shoveling all this crap into, shouldn't I be concerned?

Well, by the roll of the dice, its two or three weeks later and I'm feeling very good. I still have a very short temper, but I'm getting outside and doing things instead of drawing the curtains and sleeping all day. There may be hope for me after all, Hope Springs Eternal.

That's enough!

Okay, once and for all I am dome with my stupid, ridiculous obsession with him. I've sent him apologies and he still refuses to respond to me. I must be crazy to continue this obsession. Joe is right, it's bad to obsess over things. Especially things you have no control of. I am trying to get rid of as much of my unhealthy behaviour as possible. This man frustrates the hell out of me. It's obvious there is no friendship to be spared. Thank you for listening to this little rant.