Don't practice on me!

You know, there is a good reason medical doctors call what they do their practice. For an example of this, I'll go over the list of psychotropics I have been on in the past year or so.

First, when Christina was hospitalized, her therapist told me that it was clear from my behaviour that I was suffering from depression. At that point, yes I felt a bit depressed, but figured it was from the moves and the bad things going on in my life at that time. I was hesitant to seek medication for it. I went to my primary doctor and she gave me Ativan for my anxiety, and referred me to a therapist for his opinion on whether or not I needed antidepressants. Joe and I were at couples therapy for about 9 months before the therapist suggested antidepressants. By that time, I was severely depressed. I took an overdose of the Ativan and ended up in the Griffin Hospital psych ward. The doctor there took me off the Ativan and gave me Neurontin for anxiety and started me on Lexapro 20mg for depression. About a week after I got out of the hospital, I left Joe, Joey and Michelle behind and took Christina to live in Florida.

In Florida, I was doing fine with Christina. I was taking my Lexapro 20mg and never needed the Neurontin for anxiety. Enter Joe and the kids in June. My life turned upside-down again, and the stress went up, up, up. By the end of September, the stress was so bad, I took an overdose of my leftover Ativan and Neurontin. This time, I woke up in Memorial Hospital psych ward.
The new doctor kept me on Lexapro 20mg and added Wellbutrin 300mg and Ativan 0.5mg as needed. After several weeks, I wasn't feeling better, so he increased the Wellbutrin to 450mg. After a few weeks of the 450mg, I was feeling much better, but jittery. During that time, I took a long drive up North I-95. I missed my doctor's appointment and wasn't going to therapy. The doctor refused to refill any of my prescriptions. So I had to do something therapists and doctors tell you NEVER to do. I went off my psych meds cold turkey. Aside from the crippling headache and nausea, I did very well, for about a week.

After about a week off of the meds, the suicidal thoughts kept flooding my mind. "I guess I do still need to be on meds," I realized. My suicidal thoughts were disturbing Joe quite a bit, so he suggested I go into Springbrook Hospital voluntarilly. There I was told that 450mg of Wellbutrin was too high of a dose, especially if it was making me feel jittery. I was started on Cymbalta 300mg for depression, Ativan 1mg three times a day and Ambien 10mg for much needed sleep. After just one week, I reported increased suicidal ideation to both my therapist and doctor. The doctor said, I hadn't been on the Cymalta long enough for it to work yet, so give it more time. By the next week, I was still having increasing thoughts of suicide daily. I was in tears at group therapy, so the sent me straight back to Springbrook Hospital.

My doctor was on vacation and the doctor covering for him wasn't on that night, so I got to talk to his nurse practitioner. She was a very opinionated lady, but I liked the feedback I got from her. I described my situation to her and she patiently listened. She couldn't decide if I was bipolar or not. She took me off the Cymbalt, she said it never really works on any of her patients. I told her how I had felt good on the Lexapro/Wellbutrin combination, but she told me that if 450mg of Wellbutrin was needed to make me feel good, that was too much. I needed yet another combination. She put me on Effexor 150mg for depression. The next day, when the covering doctor was in, he increased the Effexor to 300mg and started me on Geodon 20mg. He told me not to worry that Geodon is used for Bipolar and Schizophrenia. He said he gave it to me to help the antidepressant work faster. He also told me to take my Ativan three times a day and not just as needed.

When my regular doctor came back, I questioned him about the manic feelings I was now having. I asked if it was a side effect of the Effexor. "Maybe," he said. I questioned whether or not I was Bipolar since I had been put on the Geodon. "That doctor likes to put everyone on Geodon," he said. "But since you're tolerating it, we won't discontinue it for now. It can help with angry outbursts." This conversation did nothing for my trust in psychiatric doctors. Do they really know what they're doing? **shiver** It's only my body I'm shoveling all this crap into, shouldn't I be concerned?

Well, by the roll of the dice, its two or three weeks later and I'm feeling very good. I still have a very short temper, but I'm getting outside and doing things instead of drawing the curtains and sleeping all day. There may be hope for me after all, Hope Springs Eternal.