Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Alone again, naturally.

It's been over a week since I've updated my blog. For those of you wondering where I've been, I spent five days in the hospital last week for another overdose. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. My life gets worse every time I do it. It's just that when I become suicidal, it comes on sudden, I get impulsive and do very stupid things. My daughter called 911 and they came within minutes. I can't describe how humiliating it was to be taken away on a stretcher while still fully conscious. I saw my daughter's face as the carried me could I do this to her...again?

My husband decided it was in the kids' best interest to take them to West Palm Beach, where he lives, until I fully recover. I can't say that I disagree with him. I haven't exactly been an ideal parent in these past nine months since my initial overdose. I can't help but feel like a failure as a mother to have my kids taken away. "Unfit mother," God! I never thought those words would describe me. I do feel grateful that my husband is taking them and not the state.

Michelle, my oldest daughter, moved away with my grandson on Monday. I have mixed feelings on her departure. She's 18 and married, so it was only a matter of time before she left anyway. I'm almost certain that my less than predictable behavior was responsible for her decision to move now, instead of in September. She didn't simply move out of the house, she moved from Florida to California, so it's not like I can drop in on her anytime. I won't get to see Marcus as he grows, other that through photos. **cry**

Rather than stay in the big empty house, I've been staying with my parents. I think they like having my close, so they can keep an eye on me. My father and I take our pills together. I almost take as many as he does...and he's got a heart condition!


  1. Sharon, I am so very sorry. I dont know how it is to walk in yout shoes, I dont have kids either. It must be a terrible feeling for you. I know that after first therapy 10 years ago I felt better on one side but on the other side still like a damaged good. Putting me down for insufficient healing. When I got introduced to trauma therapy - actually rather accidently - I KNEW that finally is the right thing. I wouldnt feel insufficient anymore. Even when I will always be damaged good. That is what child abuse is all about: lots of damage and lost innocence. However I can be healed enough to hopefully live an American saying: turn scars into stars. Love