Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Two negatives equal a positive.

This week I'm not alone. Christina is staying with me. We were supposed to get her driver's license, but it turned out that you need to schedule an appointment to take the road test. She'll have to wait until next Tuesday.
It's good for the two of us to spend some quality time together. I'm still not sure how I feel about the kids living with their father, but maybe I do need some time to myself to get my mind back in order. Time for just me, and only me. It certainly can't hurt. Or can it? Is it good to be alone? I don't plan on isolating myself, in fact, I was thinking of moving into the same apartment complex that my sister lives in.
I've also thought about living up in Weeki Wachee if I don't find a job in the next week or two. Now, way up there, I would be isolated from my family, but closer to some friends. Free room and board. Good Lord, I hate making decisions. I hate searching for employment too. Who ever knew if would be so difficult to find a nursing job? I guess thinks are tough all over.
Part of me wonders if I'm even ready to go back to work. Will I be able to handle the stress? My therapist and doctor seem to want me to work. I think it's more of a test to them, to see if I can handle the stress. I'll say one thing, all these job rejections aren't doing wonders for my low self esteem.
"If you don't like how you're feeling, then change how you're thinking." I've heard this quote so much lately, you'd think it would be ingrained into my brain by now. I've got to start thinking positively. Think of a positive reason for everything that happens, instead of being so negative all the time. Lets try it! I probably didn't get that Home Health Care job I've been wanting so badly. Positive swing: it's because there is an even more ideal job out there that I haven't found yet. How was that? Is it believable? Most importantly, I have to believe it. I'll keep trying.


  1. I have had weeks where I didnt apply for job as I felt so low and convinced I wouldnt even be considered or make anyway. hence I decided not to apply in the frist place. NO good. I think there is still a positive force inside you that despite u are hating it, you are doing it. Compliment yourself for it. Having some time yo youtself is not a bad thing necessarily and I hope you enjoy the quality time to the outmost. Keep you in my thoughts and wish you all strength for the decisions ahead of you. HUGS xxx

  2. For some reason, my subscription to your blog wasn't working. Hope I've fixed that.

    Sounds like you're really vulnerable right now. Perhaps job hunting is the best thing you could do for yourself at the moment. If you can take a bit of a break from it until you feel stronger, that's what I'd do.

    Sorry to read about your overdose, too. I get like that as well: impulsive and it comes out of nowhere then I make a bad decision. Haven't done it for a year, so that's a good thing. But I've been there, trust me.

  3. Liek wandering coyote I have to say that my supscription to your blog is not really working. No idea why. Tons of hugs and I hope you are being ok.