6 months later...

I can't believe it's been 6 months since I've written in this blog. Many things have changed.
I really, really, really, really, really hated that job at the hospital. I knew I would too. I dreaded every morning I had to wake up and go to that job. It is such a poorly organized place.

I have since left that job and started a brand new job as a nurse reviewer. It's not even in a clinical setting, but that's probably a good thing. I could use a break. I truly am burned out of nursing. I'm sure after a while, I will miss working directly with patients. For now, I will enjoy reviewing Medicaid cases, and sitting at a computer all day.

I still haven't found a new psychiatrist. It is so frustrating that I've given up. I have managed to stay on my medication, at least for the most part. I did stop taking my wellbutrin and lexapro for about two weeks. I could feel the anger building up inside, so I decided to start taking them again.

I would say, overall, I feel much better than I did six months ago. I still stay at home most of the time that I'm not working. That really needs to change. I feel like I am wasting my life away, but staying home so much. I need to get out and enjoy life. Will someone come and drag me out of the house?

Life goes on

I've been back at work for almost 2 months now. It's very busy work and I am exhausted by the end of the day, but it keeps my mind occupied. Everyone was right. I don't feel so depressed anymore now that I am working again.
It's nice to have money again, but I was stupid enough to let Joe use my Visa check card. Big mistake! He took $700!!! When will I ever learn?
I haven't seen a pdoc in over 2 months now. I missed an appointment last month and when I called to reschedule, they told me that due to my noncompliance I need to find a new doctor. Nice!! I am sooo tempted to just stop taking my meds again, but that didn't work out so well when I did that in February. I convinced my primary doctor to give me enough meds until I can find a new pdoc.
I haven't really been online much these last 2 months either. I haven't missed much, I have wasted way too much time on the Internet. I am glad I started this blog, however. It's been a great outlet. Until next time, life goes on.

I got a job!

I finally got a job. I'm kind of excited about it. Its the hospital I left 4 years ago to move to San Diego. They've made a lot of improvements since I left. Best of all, the day shift only take 5 patients. That is great, I was still taking 7 at my last job, and that was day shift! It's about time I start making some money again.

Two negatives equal a positive.

This week I'm not alone. Christina is staying with me. We were supposed to get her driver's license, but it turned out that you need to schedule an appointment to take the road test. She'll have to wait until next Tuesday.
It's good for the two of us to spend some quality time together. I'm still not sure how I feel about the kids living with their father, but maybe I do need some time to myself to get my mind back in order. Time for just me, and only me. It certainly can't hurt. Or can it? Is it good to be alone? I don't plan on isolating myself, in fact, I was thinking of moving into the same apartment complex that my sister lives in.
I've also thought about living up in Weeki Wachee if I don't find a job in the next week or two. Now, way up there, I would be isolated from my family, but closer to some friends. Free room and board. Good Lord, I hate making decisions. I hate searching for employment too. Who ever knew if would be so difficult to find a nursing job? I guess thinks are tough all over.
Part of me wonders if I'm even ready to go back to work. Will I be able to handle the stress? My therapist and doctor seem to want me to work. I think it's more of a test to them, to see if I can handle the stress. I'll say one thing, all these job rejections aren't doing wonders for my low self esteem.
"If you don't like how you're feeling, then change how you're thinking." I've heard this quote so much lately, you'd think it would be ingrained into my brain by now. I've got to start thinking positively. Think of a positive reason for everything that happens, instead of being so negative all the time. Lets try it! I probably didn't get that Home Health Care job I've been wanting so badly. Positive swing: it's because there is an even more ideal job out there that I haven't found yet. How was that? Is it believable? Most importantly, I have to believe it. I'll keep trying.

Alone again, naturally.

It's been over a week since I've updated my blog. For those of you wondering where I've been, I spent five days in the hospital last week for another overdose. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. My life gets worse every time I do it. It's just that when I become suicidal, it comes on sudden, I get impulsive and do very stupid things. My daughter called 911 and they came within minutes. I can't describe how humiliating it was to be taken away on a stretcher while still fully conscious. I saw my daughter's face as the carried me off...how could I do this to her...again?

My husband decided it was in the kids' best interest to take them to West Palm Beach, where he lives, until I fully recover. I can't say that I disagree with him. I haven't exactly been an ideal parent in these past nine months since my initial overdose. I can't help but feel like a failure as a mother to have my kids taken away. "Unfit mother," God! I never thought those words would describe me. I do feel grateful that my husband is taking them and not the state.

Michelle, my oldest daughter, moved away with my grandson on Monday. I have mixed feelings on her departure. She's 18 and married, so it was only a matter of time before she left anyway. I'm almost certain that my less than predictable behavior was responsible for her decision to move now, instead of in September. She didn't simply move out of the house, she moved from Florida to California, so it's not like I can drop in on her anytime. I won't get to see Marcus as he grows, other that through photos. **cry**

Rather than stay in the big empty house, I've been staying with my parents. I think they like having my close, so they can keep an eye on me. My father and I take our pills together. I almost take as many as he does...and he's got a heart condition!

A single gardenia.

In my garden today is a single beautiful gardenia. I had thought the gardenias had stop blooming for the season, but there it is. To me, its like a symbol of hope. Just when you think nothing in life is going right, a single gardenia blooms to show me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to be okay. It just may take a little time to sort my life out, but it will be sorted out. I'm going to survive. Thank you, little gardenia flower, for reminding me.

My job search

My job search is becoming more productive in the past few days. I had an interview with a home care company yesterday. It went well. They just have to check my references and then I should hear back from them. It would be the most awesome, perfect job for me. For backup, I have interviews at two hospitals next week. One of them being the hospital I worked at for seven years, and the interview is with my old manager. I'm very certain I would get hired there. So now, I might have to decide where to work for a change. I could do part time at both places until I know for sure that I like home care nursing. Now I'm being over confident. I better stop that.

I keep oversleeping this week. I've missed my group therapy two days this week due to over sleeping. That's not good, I really need to keep going. I have a lot of guilt inside for some of the choices I've made in the last couple of years. I feel like I've been a terrible mother. On one of my job applications, it asked if you've ever been investigated by the state for child abuse or neglect. Well yes, in Connecticut, DCS accused me of child neglect for not leaving my abusive husband. I tried to appeal it, but it still stands. So I suppose if someone does a background check, it will show a record of child neglect. It's pure bullshit really. I was trying to keep my family together during difficult times, I wasn't neglecting Christina.

When I finally did leave Joe, I took Christina and left the other two kids behind. So I feel guilty about leaving them behind, but I thought it was in their best interest to finish the school year. They had been moved around so much in the past few years. Now I feel bad that I left at all. I feel like I stole Michelle's senior year from her. She would have stayed in school and graduated with all her friends if I hadn't left. On the other hand, I would have still been neglecting Christina by not protecting her from her father. I guess it was a no win situation. No wonder I had a nervous breakdown.

Today Michelle is mad at me because I didn't go get flour for her to make gravy. She says she's not going to cook anymore. Now, I don't feel guilty for having her cook and I don't feel guilty about not getting flour. I was dressed for bed already and it was raining outside, and you don't have to have gravy. Grrrrrr! She doesn't go to school and she doesn't work, so no, I don't feel bad that she cooks all the time. She likes cooking and I don't anymore. She can do her part around the house, she is 18. I feel guilty enough about so much, but I'm not going to let this bother me.

I'm tired of me

I so tired of being depressed. My life is just plain miserable right now. I can't find a job, and I've never had that problem before in my life. All you ever hear anyone say is "nurses are in such high demand right now!" Well, none of those people ever searched for a nursing job. I suppose part of the problem is that I'm looking for a day shift job. I've only ever searched for night shift. I guess its a lot easier to find a night shift job, but I'm sick of that. It messes with your sleep cycle too much and I don't need that while I trying to recover from depression.

Well, I do have a job interview on Wednesday with a well know home health care agency. I suppose I should stay positive about that. I suppose I have a chance if I have an interview. I hope I don't blow the interview. This is the type of job I really want to do. I am so sick of working myself to death in hospitals with ungrateful patients and ungrateful management. I wonder, what types of questions will he ask me? I have to be prepared. I still need to get a physical before the job interview too. I'm embarrassed to list all the meds that I'm on. Do I have to list them all, I wonder. I most definitely have to list the ativan, in case I'm drug tested.

I am certain to get a lecture by my therapist on Monday, for letting Joe spend the weekend. "You're either together or you're separated, you can't be both!" I can hear it already. They way I see it, Joe's not my enemy. We both realize that we can't live together anymore, but there's no reason we can't be friends. He is one of the few people in my life that understands my depression. I don't think he's enabling me to not make friends. I just can't make friends, I'm painfully shy, have been all my life. It seems like every time I start making friends, something happens to them, or they want to be more than friends, stupid things like that.

I really miss Jeana, she's was the best friend I've ever had, but now she's always too busy for me. Won't even take a few minutes to write to me. I know she's got problems of her own, but that's all the more reason we need to talk to each other. I'm going to go write her a letter right now.

Moody Blues

The last group therapy session I went to was last Thursday. Everything went well during group, but as I was driving home, I broke down in tears. I haven't really been bringing up the things that have been bothering me in group. Almost as if I'm trying to be perfect and without problems. Well, I was crying so hard, and having a terrible time, so I emailed Joe. I probably shouldn't do that to him since he is at work, but I did it anyway. He threatened to call Val, my therapist, when it just occurred to me, "Why don't I just call Val and tell her myself." So I did, I told her that there were a few things bothering me that I was afraid to bring up in group. She understood and made me feel much better. I've got to remember to bring up these topics. How else will I learn to cope with them?

I really wish I'd stop getting these urges to hurt myself. It comes and goes and when I have the urge, nothing makes me feel better. I was glad to had Joe around this weekend to talk to about it. Even though I've been told be nearly everyone to avoid him, especially when it comes to emotional issues. I don't regret spending the weekend with him at all. I fact, I enjoyed his company. I'm feeling much better this evening than I have in the last 4 days. I really hate being so moody. I guess the mood stabilizer I'm on isn't doing the trick.

Another day in the garden.

So, I worked on the garden again today. I finally got rid of those five prickly plants of doom, and I have a splinter under my fingernail to show for it. I don't even care about the splinter, I'm just happy that I'm one step closer to a beautiful garden. Another pat on the back for myself.

The day started out with me oversleeping. I thought I'd never wake up. I don't know why I was so tired. I just felt like staying in bed all day, so I had to force myself to do some dishes and go work on the garden. I'm so glad I did. I even got a phone call from one of the hospitals today. Unfortunately, no one got to the phone in time, but I'm certain they will call back.

Well, It's not exactly The Garden of Eden.

No, my garden is not perfect, or even close to it. It has been abandoned for a little over a year, but the weeds have not abandoned it. Hardly, it is so overgrown with grass and weeds, I barely know where to start. So, I broke out the weedkiller and the tiny garden claw and starting ripping out a bunch of the grass and weeds. I had to wait til evening, otherwise the heat and humidity is too consuming. I weeded for about 30 minutes, then I was exhausted. Left the rest for another day. I know 30 minutes doesn't sound like a lot of time to spend it the garden, but then again, weeding isn't exactly the kind of gardening I like to do. It is necessary though, before I can move on to the next phase, the planting of the beautiful flowers.

I feel like I need to pat myself on the back for this little bit of effort. For it is a task that I have been putting off for over a month. Since gardening is a hobby I enjoy greatly, it's about time I started doing something good for myself. Even if it is just a baby step in the right direction. Good job, Sharon. Do even more tomorrow.

Life is not all good

I want to hurt myself. I cannot stop thinking about it. My life is a mess and I don't have the perseverance to straighten it out. It gets worse every day. I can't help myself. I am hopeless. Someone please come take the pain away.

That's how I was feeling late last night. I go through such terrible mood swings. I ended up taking a handful of sleeping pills. I slept better that I do with just one pill, and I woke up. Not wanting to wake up, but I did regardless. Joe came over, we spent a good portion of the day in the pool playing with Joey. I had lots of fun, got a bit sunburned. Talked a lot with Joe. Now, my therapist says I shouldn't use him for emotional support, but that's all I've known for 22 years. Joe is the only one that can make me feel better, he can talk me down from my terrible moods. He is also a big stress in my life too. This is why I'm on the fence so much. So, I understand the logic of staying away from him emotionally, but who will I go to? I have a few acquaintances, but that's all. My parents don't know what to say when I'm feeling down. I feel bad for them, because I know they want so badly to know what to say.

Honestly, I don't know why anyone bothers with me. I'm such a mess, I probably have little hope for recovery. I know, I know, think positively. Well I'm positively miserable.

There may be hope for me yet!

This week hasn't been too bad so far. I missed group yesterday because I overslept, but at least I've been feeling better. No emotional breakdowns this week. The kids are all getting along really well. Marcus is becoming much more alert. Michelle took him for photos yesterday. I can't wait to see how they turned out. She spent a small fortune on them, so I hope they're good.

I've gotten calls from both Largo Medical Center and Mease Hospital, so that is good for my self esteem. In fact, I have a telephone interview with a recruiter from Mease today. It would be nice to work there because it's so close to home. No calls from any of the home health care places in applied for. I guess they're looking for experience in home health. That kind of stinks, because I'd love to try it out. I suppose I can keep trying even after I start working in a hospital.

It will be good for me to start working again. I don't like having to rely on Joe for money. I'm at his mercy. He won't pay the Verizon wireless bill, so none of the family has a phone now. That's not right! It was a big mistake to put him on my account. Now I have huge bills and he refuses to pay. He broke our deal. Like Val says, I need to distance myself from him. Not let him have control of any part of my life. It may take a while, but I'll get there. Boy, this time last year, I was in a good spot, but I let him get too involved in my life. Now look where I am! He is definitely poison to me.

What a terrible week!

My moods have been up and down like a yo-yo all week. When I say down, I mean on the verge of suicide. More than once this past week. Well, I decided to keep going to group therapy and Val seems like a good therapist. Yet another person to tell me to keep my distance from Joe. Sigh. I guess he is my poison. It makes me so sad to think about it, so I won't. I'm gonna keep thinking of good things. I saw "The Secret" this week, and it makes so much sense! Now to keep thinking positive. That is tricky when you're so depressed.
Dr Yason increased the dose of my Effexor when I told him about my mood swings. Steve, the nurse at PHP never gave me the prescription though! I tried to get it from him today, but he was too busy with some inspector or something. So now I won't get the extra dose until next week! I really should be more assertive when it comes to important things like this.
This very minute, Joe is IMing me about how he's the only one that gets any work done around the house. Should I listen or just ignore him? I've been told by nearly everyone to keep my distance, so I refuse to argue with him. Well, we both still agree on the divorce. Now if we could just get the paperwork going. Lets get this over with so I can go on with my life.

Back to Group Therapy Yesterday.

Ok, so I went back to group therapy. I have a new therapist this time around. I can't say that I like her, or anyone in the group for that matter. I may not go anymore. It's just frustrating going there and hearing the same old thing over and over. It's time for me to take charge of my life and start making decisions on my own. First on the agenda, get a job. That in itself will improve my self-esteem, thus making all other decision making easier. Forget the therapy, it's a waste. I know what I need to do to make my life better. Now I just need the courage to get them done. Therapy is doing nothing but bringing me down. Thanks for getting me in Joe, but I'm gonna pass on it.

It's hopeless

I hate everyone, especially myself. Everyone is against me. I can't do anything right. I just want to die. God, please, just kill me and make room for decent people. I'm never going to be like I was before. I'm just a shell of a person. I cannot even apply for a job without freaking out. Why is this happening to me? I used to do so much for so many for so long. Now, I am useless, washed up, a failure at everything in my life. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Good night.

Tuesday

Well, today ended up being a pretty good day. I spent the weekend at my parent's house to stay away from Joe. Michelle came and picked me up. When Christina got home from school, I took her to do some work on a school project.

I let her drive the Jeep, and we went to Lake Rogers Park to do her project. She took several photos and jotted down notes. She took some really good photos, but we didn't see anything out of the ordinary. After we finished with her project, she even let me search for a geocache.

I found the geocache after a short hike through the muggy woods. It was icky to say the least. After finding the geocache, I even let her drive to Best Buy so she could look at computers. She won't be satisfied until her HP laptop is replaced. She may have to wait a while.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm confused. I'm trapped. I'm a lot of things. I don't really feel like writing today, but I cannot sleep. I am stuck in limbo and I don't like this feeling. Something needs to change, because I can't keep living this way. Joe refuses to accept boundaries. He is intimidating, rude, demanding, belittling and just a pain in the ass to be around in general. I simply cannot remain in his presence for more than a few hours. It's definitely time for divorce. To hell with being separated, I need closure to this nightmare, and soon.

Uh oh!

Ok, so my last day of group therapy was Tuesday. While I was in group, Joe sent me a text message saying that we don't qualify for refinancing on the house. So of course, I break down and start crying. Clearly, I'm not ready to leave group therapy, but insurance says otherwise. So I left group that day, and received lots of hugs and support from most of the folks.

Since then, I've been having a terrible time. I break down at the drop of a hat. This is so not good. I've even felt suicidal at times. The last thing I need is to go back to the hospital right now. I'm supposed to be getting better. I take my medication as directed. I just wish I had some direction to move. I don't know where I'll be living in three months. I wish I could just get this divorce and bankruptcy over and done with. I don't feel like I can work right now, that would push me over the edge.

I'm starting to think Joe should take the kids. I just can't handle the stress of them anymore. I know this is a shitty thing for a mother to say, but I just don't think I can get well with them around. I'm too messed up in the head to be responsible for them. This makes me sad, but its for the best.

I am a failure as a mother, a failure as a wife and a failure in life for that matter. I should be locked up and sent away never to be seen from again. I hate myself!

I'll make this a quick update

This has to be a quicky, because I don't know how long I can rely on this unsecured network. Luckilly, Verizon will be installing DSL and FIOS TV. I can hardly wait.

It's been quit an adventure living back in the house. Just being in the house itself is exciting enough, but the Marcus came along at the very same time. Lots of stress, enough stress to send me spiraling down into depression again. They say even good stress can affect you. Well, having Marcus and being in the house are good stressors, but there are still plenty of bad ones too.

When we had the water turned on, there was a virtual water fountain in the pool bath. I turned the water to that toilet off right away and bought parts to fix it, but never got around to it. Joey continues to use it regardless. I've asked him to at least pour a bucket of water in to flush it down that way, but you know how boys listen to their mothers. Not very well. Well, I finally fixed it after today's events.

Christina comes home from school and reports that her toilet is leaking water, the hall carpet is wet and all the smoke alarms in the house are going off. Joe told her over the phone how to turn the toilet off. So I come home to all the smoke alarms blaring, and water leaking through Joey's ceiling. **sigh** I disconnected the smoke alarm in Joey's room and the rest of them went off. I had Christina wet vac the hall carpet and I dried off the ceiling as best I could. This prompted me to repair Joey's toilet. Now I just need to get parts for Christina's toilet.

All this excitement was just today. There has been lots more excitement. I shall go into more detail when I get a more secure network. Ta ta for now.